Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler

Monthly Archives: November 2010

Are boyfriends necessary?

November 26th, 2010

Sometimes when we fight I just want to tear my hair out I’m so mad. Scratch that–most of the time. Even though, I guess you’d say we’ve improved since the beginning, there’s just something about a man yelling at me, impatient, and arrogantly thinking he’s right that drives me berserk and literally sends smoke out of my ears.

Every time he gets mad I’m forced to stop and consider if this relationship is different from my last serious one. Is he simply mad sometimes, but overall is still a good choice for me? Is this the normal pattern of all healthy relationships–the natural ups and downs of every couple, no matter what a great match they are? Or should I worry that this may be a similar pattern as my last abusive boyfriend where I was on the worst roller coaster ride of my life for 11 months where he went from being a smooth-talking, passionate lover to a cheating, aggressive, liar in under a minute and back? Which one is it? Can I tell the difference? Can I finally trust myself to be able to differentiate? Or am I as naive and ignorant as before and haven’t learned anything?

For four long years after the abuse I couldn’t sustain any relationships longer than a month. If they showed any temper, any kind of sexism or momentary lapse of disrespect I was done. After the breakup I tried and realized I couldn’t enjoy having sex. He had manipulated my emotions around sex and used my body to betray me so that I couldn’t trust my own body anymore. It was confusing, humiliating, and the worst of all was that I blamed myself.

Which is what I’m still doing now. I realized recently in one of my peer counseling sessions that I still blame myself for my mom’s abuse by my first dad. I didn’t realize after all this time that I still blame myself for not having been able to protect my mom. Of course, there was no way I could have done anything to protect my mom. I was between 0-5 years old. As adults, I think we often forget how we thought as kids and young people. We often put huge burdens on ourselves to make our parents feel better, to effectually parent our parents.

So if I can someday forgive the little Shiuan from 30 years ago then I will be much gentler with myself in the present day. Now, to do it. Gently.

Asian Men and Women Unite

November 24th, 2010

I have experienced some interesting feedback on my posts and book lately. What I’ve noticed is that women rarely comment. And when they do it’s positive. On the other hand Asian men have provided the most negative feedback so far. Only after a lengthy discussion with my boyfriend did I start to understand why other Asian men reacted the way they did. Although I’m still not sure I completely understand, I am looking forward to pushing the expanse of my mind and attempting to learn the perspectives of why my fellow brothers are upset when I talk about women’s empowerment.

Now that I think about it I suppose that makes sense. Or I can see why they may feel threatened by it. I just had hoped that they would be supportive. As I mentioned in a previous post I recently discovered why I felt a bit off at Asian American events during all of my twenties. At a recent speaking engagement, I realized it was because it was a male-dominated atmosphere. Even though racism was being discussed in a progressive atmosphere, sexism was barely touched on at all. This included spoken word events and even my Asian American studies curriculum.

I never realized, unwittingly and a bit ignorantly, that other men, specifically Asian men, would have a problem with me talking about sexism and feminism. (I must clarify that the negative reaction was by a few Asian men which obviously does not imply all or even most. But I guess negative reaction is often louder than positive.) My idealistic ignorance most likely came from a couple positive reactions I received from male acquaintances when the book first came out. Maybe if I had negative reactions from the very beginning it would not have been as shocking.

It also, honestly, felt hurtful as some people thought I didn’t talk about other oppressions enough, like classism, or maybe I talked about sexism too much and also assumed that, in my book, I was idolizing white men since most of my negative experiences had been with Asian men. Of course, this is a completely incorrect interpretation of my book and the points I was making. Like I said in the book, my two main points I wanted to get across to Asian women and girls in general is to pursue their dreams and put themselves first. I also wrote I had a really good first two years with my ex-boyfriend, later husband, and he was my first serious relationship and taught me true generosity and caring. Simultaneously, my worst boyfriend experience was with a Brazilian extreme surfer in Hawai’i who showed me how crazy abusive men can be and how strong I could be when pushed to the absolute limit.

By pointing out bad experiences with Asian men does not mean however that I am perpetuating racism. It is revealing sexism–another important oppression and one where men are in the oppressor role and women are in the oppressed role. Asian men were confusing my pointing out of sexism in our Asian American community for their past experiences of racism. To them it felt like racism all over again. They are being targeted in this country again. However, racism is when white people are acting out their confusion and hurts from when they were forced into the oppressor role against people of color. Sexism is when men act out their patterns of how they were hurt by being forced into the oppressor role towards women. I pointed out when exes were Asian because, for me, dating Asian men has always had an immediate intimacy that non-Asian men did not have.

I’m sorry that hearing about sexism from Asian men felt like another attack. But it is a reactionary feeling and is not reality. Oftentimes it’s easier for us to complain about our oppressed roles than to accept where we are the oppressors.

I for example am in the oppressor role in terms of sexual orientation, and ableism. People who are gay or queer or disabled are much smarter in these areas and I have a lot to learn from them about gay oppression and disability oppression. I have the luxury and privilege to be ignorant about their oppression since I am in the oppressor role in those areas.

I am asking for my Asian brothers to step up to the plate regarding sexism and dare to be courageous and humble enough to listen to their Asian sisters talk about sexism. To keep their minds open about an oppression in which they are in the oppressor role and admit they have a lot to learn here. They are in the oppressed role in regards to racism just as Asian women are, but if we really are to combat and end racism we have to unite as Asians and as People of Color to do so.

Once again–Sexual harassment at work

November 16th, 2010

A close girlfriend of mine is experiencing sexual harassment at work, and has been for a while. She’s a new lawyer at the firm and he’s a senior partner. My bf says she’s not bloodthirsty enough and if it was him he would record all their conversations and sue his ass. At the same time, I know it’s always easier telling others what to do when you’re not the one that has your job on the line. On the other hand, listening to her talk about him I just want to rip his balls off. Old-middle aged man with wife and kids and singles out my girlfriend to go after at work. God would I like to see him in purgatory and writhe in torture and agony. Meanwhile what should she do, she asks me? I suggest that she documents everything, as I recorded everything when I was considering taking a TRO (temporary restraining order) out on the abusive ex. It was a good mental exercise and I realized a few things I had forgotten already. I transcribed all his hate voicemails and notes the harassing incidents.

I’ve never dealt with harassment in the workplace. Have I…? Oh! I have, but not recently. As I currently work in a mostly women office and haven’t dealt with sexist bosses since my last waitressing gig (damn those underpaid, over-aged, cocky chefs). And actually I did lose that job probably because I had spoken up once on my own behalf. I didn’t even say anything especially disobedient, but since I was not simply nodding and saying yes to everything they didn’t like it.

I feel like it’s the age-old question: should one sacrifice one’s short-term comfort to stand up for one’s long-term principles? Is it worth it? Just saw a great film on this exact issue, Made in Daghenham, based on the true-story of female machinists for Ford in Dagenham, England in the late 60s. Rita O’Grady is fighting for equal pay for the female workers, meanwhile at home her husband is getting mad that they can’t afford to pay their utility bills. Is the fight for equal pay for all female workers worth the temporary loss of income? Is sacrificing your temporary personal luxuries worth gaining equal rights for a whole group? It’s easy for me to say. I’m not the one who has to take the risk. My gf could potentially win the biggest scandal the law firm has faced or lose everything gained in her career from the last three years. What do you think?

China Holds Bra Unsnapping Contest

November 10th, 2010

What will China think of next? And why are the articles calling it bra “untying” contest? Every woman knows you “snap” a bra, you don’t “tie” it. Sheesh.

Which leads me into sexism in Asia versus the sexism in the U.S. I’m not sure about other Western countries but there is certainly plenty of sexism in this country though some deluded Asian women like to think that white American guys are “so” much better than their Asian counterparts. Not so. However. There is something to be said for the difference they feel when they’re with white men versus with Asians (or whatever their specific ethnicity). And I think it is simply that the sexism is different.

Every man grows up with sexism whether they want to admit it or not. (I can hear the protests now.) Because we grow up in a sexist society it is inevitable. Even if you have amazing, protective parents. And similarly, women grow up with internalized sexism. (There is such a thing as men’s oppression too for eg where they’re raised to be violent, sex-addicts, and to suppress their feelings. More later.)

But then a lot of Asian women in the U.S. are tired of the sexist patterns of Asian men back in Asia. They probably have seen it in their dads, grandfathers, uncles even if they never lived in Asia. So the sexism of white men are a relief in contrast. They don’t do the same kind of sexist, annoying things. And so it feels better. Even though it may still be there.

As for the bra-unsnapping contest, it was a woman who won it. What a surprise. Cheers to the woman who had the guts to get up and say, “Fuck it–these lame men are so embarrassing. I’m going to go win myself the $1000 yuan!” And don’t the men realize they’re totally embarrassing themselves? And what are those “models” thinking? Was the humiliation worth the pay? Or did they think it was cool and fun? China, like most of Asia, emulates the West–sexually and otherwise–but sometimes it comes out in odd ways.

Of course, Lady Gaga is just ODD in her very, very own way. I suppose I shouldn’t be biased/internalized racist either. Sexism is sexism is sexism. No matter what culture and what weird oddity you happen to choose.

Who the hell do you think I am?

November 2nd, 2010

Right now I am vacillating between a couple of different emotions: “Who the hell do you think I am?” and “What the hell is wrong with me?” Granted, the angry one is much better because at least I’m standing up for myself and being indignant—albeit a little extreme–versus the other one is completely meek and letting others walk all over me while I act invisible.

And that is how this country will continue to see us (as Asian women) I realize until we do something about it. I was at a fundraising event tonight for the Sadie Nash Leadership Institute, a wonderful non profit that empowers young women and girls, but I was too shy to introduce myself to people. The founder said hi to me and I did end up talking to one of the staff but instead of walking around and meeting all of the great women there in that room I kept criticizing myself for not being brave enough to go talk to them. And why not? What did I think they had that I didn’t? Better dressed? Better hair? Better boots? Maybe.

But most of all it felt like high school again. Where everyone else seemed to be having a wonderful time and I just stood there feeling helpless and dumb and…friendless. Welcome to my high school life. I moved around so much as a kid that I soon learned how to pick up on who was the outcast (who often tried to befriend me—the new kid—hoping that I’d be their friend) and who was popular and who—usually somewhere in the middle— wanted to be my friend.

I did end up talking to another person that night, one of the youth and that was a lot of fun as it turned out. He was so smart and very insightful. But then when I tried to get up my guts to talk to the founder of the organization I just couldn’t do it. Sure I said goodbye and I drooled over how great the organization was but I couldn’t get up the nerve to talk about my book or even give her my card. Thus: What the hell is wrong with me?? Other people talk about themselves constantly. Other people have no problem putting themselves out there— selling themselves. And yet, I’m like my worst enemy when it comes to promoting myself.

“Hi! My name’s Shiuan Butler. Have you read the Manifesto for Young Asian Women? Oh my gosh, it’s amazing. You have to check it out.”

“Hi! Shiuan Butler. Great to meet you. I just finished a book–Manifesto for Young Asian Women about all the experiences growing up you couldn’t talk to your mom about. You know–safe sex, STDs, older men. Yea, you should check it out.”

SELF-EFFACING. That’s what just popped into my head. This whole trying-to-promote-my-book thing is totally bumping up against my whole upbringing, all of Chinese tradition which says that we should be self-effacing good little Chinese girls. Efface means: 1) to eliminate or make indistinct by or as if by wearing away a surface; also 2) to cause to vanish. So we are literally trying to make ourselves invisible to the rest of society. How am I supposed to brag about my book or my ideas if I’m still trying to follow the principles of self-erasing myself? Oh, my book is great—but hey never mind me— I’m just going to go smile and shut up and nod and sit in the corner.

Just now I got into a little family quarrel, over email actually—the benefits of modern technology—which is where the “Who the hell do you think I am?” came from. A little different from the self-effacing thing that I thought I was brought up with. Hmm, so there is some demanding-to-be-heard, I-will-be-whoever-I-am-and-not-who-you-want-me-to-be, still under there.

So what should I do? Get mad before a networking event? No. Hmm…  I think I will go do some practice role-playing-bragging about myself… I’ll let you know how it goes.

Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler