My boyfriend and I have different horniness levels. His is very high and mine is normal. Which means he needs to masturbate ten times a day to get relief while I can masturbate ten times a year and feel fine. Of course, I’d much rather have sex with him than masturbate but what do you do when your boyfriend wants sex five times more often than you do?
In past relationships I often caved in whenever they wanted sex even when I didn’t—and these were non-abusive relationships. I guess it just seemed easier to give in than put up a fight and risk their annoyance or anger with me. “C’mon, you know you like it once you start,” I vaguely recall. Or, less disgusting but still pushy, “What? You don’t love me?” come to mind. It felt easier to just do it and have it over with than to try and discuss principles and sexism late at night with a horny and impatient man in my bed. I mean, he is my boyfriend right? Even in this day and age there’s still plenty of pressure that I should give my vagina to my boyfriend whenever he wants it. Is that not my duty as a girlfriend?
And yet, as horny as my 25 year-old boyfriend is he still somehow puts my needs over his every time we have sex. More specifically, he ALWAYS makes sure I have an orgasm first before he does. Always. There was only one time in the whole six months that he didn’t. I used to protest with him the first few times (OK, I still do), “I can’t come right now babe, but you can.” I mean if I can’t come in that moment I don’t see why he can’t—might as well, right? But he always emphasizes to me that he cares about me coming more than anything else. And if I really couldn’t come then he wanted us to stop altogether because he knew that also meant I just wasn’t feeling horny anymore and he didn’t want to be “using my pussy to get himself off.” It took me a few times to believe such a man existed. Now, I do.
I also know I can brush off his kisses or his hard-on with a “I don’t feel like it right now” and he’ll always say OK and back off. Sure, he’s bummed. Sure, he may feign serious disappointment for a moment. But he is always content cuddling and snuggling with me.
He also reminds me that making out does not necessarily always preclude sex. That he is truly perfectly happy simply making out with me and isn’t expecting something after. That was a shock to me and took a few reminders to really sink in. I kept being afraid that if I kissed him too much or intently that that would be “leading him on” and I should stop if I didn’t want to “finish what I started.”
But even with all his compassionate understanding of my lack of horniness, I still often feel bad that I don’t “satisfy” him enough. And that he will feel rejected and bummed. He jokes not to worry since he will have mistresses. I still don’t know how to solve this issue other than telling him to go masturbate whenever he’s all over me, but at least we’re communicating and being honest.
So, go figure, but right after I told him the title of this blog post we end up having a huge fight about this very thing. “You never feel like having sex,” he mumbled grumpily as he was going to sleep. That set me off for the next several hours. I felt like he thought I was his sex slave since I was his girlfriend and he thought I just wasn’t as attracted to him as to my exes since we didn’t have as much sex. We both felt victimized and we both jumped to wrong assumptions about the other. I had no idea he felt horrible thinking that I thought he wasn’t attractive. And he had no idea that I had accumulated tons of terrible messages about body image growing up and that I never wanted to have that much sex with my exes and the only reason we don’t have as much sex is because I finally feel safe to say what I want. Relationships aren’t easy. Sex is even harder to navigate. But patience and continual honesty and communication I learned is the only way to improving relationships and your sex life.