Monthly Archives: February 2011

Horniness Levels

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My boyfriend and I have different horniness levels. His is very high and mine is normal. Which means he needs to masturbate ten times a day to get relief while I can masturbate ten times a year and feel fine. Of course, I’d much rather have sex with him than masturbate but what do you do when your boyfriend wants sex five times more often than you do?

 

In past relationships I often caved in whenever they wanted sex even when I didn’t—and these were non-abusive relationships. I guess it just seemed easier to give in than put up a fight and risk their annoyance or anger with me. “C’mon, you know you like it once you start,” I vaguely recall. Or, less disgusting but still pushy, “What? You don’t love me?” come to mind. It felt easier to just do it and have it over with than to try and discuss principles and sexism late at night with a horny and impatient man in my bed. I mean, he is my boyfriend right? Even in this day and age there’s still plenty of pressure that I should give my vagina to my boyfriend whenever he wants it. Is that not my duty as a girlfriend?

 

And yet, as horny as my 25 year-old boyfriend is he still somehow puts my needs over his every time we have sex. More specifically, he ALWAYS makes sure I have an orgasm first before he does. Always. There was only one time in the whole six months that  he didn’t. I used to protest with him the first few times (OK, I still do), “I can’t come right now babe, but you can.” I mean if I can’t come in that moment I don’t see why he can’t—might as well, right? But he always emphasizes to me that he cares about me coming more than anything else. And if I really couldn’t come then he wanted us to stop altogether because he knew that also meant I just wasn’t feeling horny anymore and he didn’t want to be “using my pussy to get himself off.” It took me a few times to believe such a man existed. Now, I do.

 

I also know I can brush off his kisses or his hard-on with a “I don’t feel like it right now” and he’ll always say OK and back off. Sure, he’s bummed. Sure, he may feign serious disappointment for a moment. But he is always content cuddling and snuggling with me.

 

He also reminds me that making out does not necessarily always preclude sex. That he is truly perfectly happy simply making out with me and isn’t expecting something after. That was a shock to me and took a few reminders to really sink in. I kept being afraid that if I kissed him too much or intently that that would be “leading him on” and I should stop if I didn’t want to “finish what I started.”

 

But even with all his compassionate understanding of my lack of horniness, I still often feel bad that I don’t “satisfy” him enough. And that he will feel rejected and bummed. He jokes not to worry since he will have mistresses. I still don’t know how to solve this issue other than telling him to go masturbate whenever he’s all over me, but at least we’re communicating and being honest.

 

ADDENDUM:
So, go figure, but right after I told him the title of this blog post we end up having a huge fight about this very thing. “You never feel like having sex,” he mumbled grumpily as he was going to sleep. That set me off for the next several hours. I felt like he thought I was his sex slave since I was his girlfriend and he thought I just wasn’t as attracted to him as to my exes since we didn’t have as much sex. We both felt victimized and we both jumped to wrong assumptions about the other. I had no idea he felt horrible thinking that I thought he wasn’t attractive. And he had no idea that I had accumulated tons of terrible messages about body image growing up and that I never wanted to have that much sex with my exes and the only reason we don’t have as much sex is because I finally feel safe to say what I want. Relationships aren’t easy. Sex is even harder to navigate. But patience and continual honesty and communication I learned is the only way to improving relationships and your sex life.

Racism versus Sexism: Which one is worse?

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That’s a tough question. I don’t know. I guess depending on who’s asking and what context it is and and what mood I’m in, then maybe I could pick one. But why would I want to? I’ve gotten real tired lately of hearing people—mostly white people—comparing the two oppressions like: Earthquakes or tornados— which one’s worse?

And where does this need to compare the two oppressions come from anyways? Does it make you feel better as a white person to think that sexism is more prevalent? Does it make you feel better as a white person to think that sexism is “generally still much more widely accepted than racism is?” Does it make you feel better as a white person to think that you have it almost as bad?

Comparing sexism with racism and racism with sexism pisses me off because it gives white people a false sense of reassurance that they understand something that is not only not true, but is racist in itself. Thinking sexism is a bigger issue than racism is racist. It also erases their sense of responsibility and duty as a white person to acknowledge that this country was founded on the enslavement of Africans, and then later immigrants, and whereby we gained our wealth and got to where we are now. As an Asian woman living in the US, I myself have gained from the slavery of Africans too.

It doesn’t help when women of color compare the two oppressions either, perpetuating the stereotype that one is really a bigger problem than the other. Maybe it is true that one issue doesn’t feel as big an obstacle in certain contexts. However, I still don’t think it makes sense to say it. It’s kind of like if I produce a movie, it sure as hell isn’t going to be about an Asian kid with no fashion sense and who’s a genius with computers because it simply reinforces the stereotype that all Asians are dorky and only good with numbers. Unless maybe she’s also a tattoo artist and an amazing painter, but otherwise I’m just not going to do it. It’s like my previous post about how Desperate Housewives reinforced stereotypes about single moms and bad parenting when they portrayed a single mom and her son the murderer. I believe as artists we need to take on that responsibility.

Other Asian men also don’t like to hear me talk about sexism as I’ve learned since I’ve created this blog. They don’t even try comparing the two. They simply label me a traitor outright and don’t even want to recognize that sexism exists. It took my boyfriend several attempts to reassure me that I shouldn’t be scared, they’re just feeling attacked themselves because of their experience with racism in this country as Asian men.

I know theoretically we, as women, all need to be able to unite together to end sexism. But ending racism goes hand in hand with ending sexism and sometimes I just get frustrated and can’t help but feel like it’s a bigger priority to me than my white sisters. Of course, they know it’s really important, but because it’s not in their faces 24/7 they don’t need to think about it 24/7. And since they don’t need to think about it 24/7 it invariably falls by the wayside. I mean who wants to think about their oppressor role all the time? How boring. How annoying. And you just end up feeling bad about yourself anyways. Much better to think about the oppressed group you’re in instead. Or shopping. That’s even better.

The point of my venting article then is this: I ask all my white sisters and women of color activists to stop comparing racism and sexism. Stop making declarations like, “Sexism was much harder to deal with here” or “Why is it that people can say bitch or cunt but we can’t say nigger?” That’s not helpful. That simply reinforces in people’s minds that sexism is more serious an issue than racism or that you resent the gains that African Americans have made compared to white women. Pointing fingers not only is not helpful but it’s not the real issue here. Working to end both oppressions is what we should be focusing on. And just as importantly, being allies to oppressed groups where we’re in the oppressor role.