Where I review the basic rules of ‘ethical slut-hood’ and realize, hey, these are really just basic rules of how we can best treat another human being that we all could learn from.
As I mentioned in my previous posts, “Why do people settle when they settle down?” and “Why I don’t do casual sex anymore” I have been slowly reading “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. It has been a wonderful discovery of new and old thoughts that I have always believed anyways, but didn’t have a place or structure to talk about. I never really thought of or claimed the identity of a ‘slut’—since that’s usually a derogatory term— even when I was having casual sex. Speaking of, the authors don’t believe there is a thing as having too much sex. Their ethics has nothing to do with “moderation or abstinence.” Alfred Kinsey, himself defined a “nymphomaniac” as “someone who has more sex than you.” I think that highlights people’s judgment around sex perfectly and wanting to point fingers and judge other people’s choices in this area.
Here are some basic highlights of what I’ve learned so far about what it means to be an ‘ethical slut’:
1. “Being a slut doesn’t mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.”
It’s not about being selfish or unthoughtful or acting indiscriminately on your own whim.
2. Ethical sluts value consent. “An active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned.”
This includes not manipulating, blackmailing, lying to or even ignoring. A lot of people in exclusive, long-term relationships have even crossed this line. So again, it’s not about the quantity of people you’re being intimate with, but the quality.
3. Ethical sluts are honest. With themselves and others.
And they do their best to not let fears and bashfulness get in the way of being honest. This is so crucial. A lot of times it is hard to be truly honest with the ones you care most about. Especially around topics like this including, who you’re close with, who you want to be close with, and being afraid of stepping on people’s toes (i.e. hurting people’s feelings). But this is no reason to cop-out or avoid telling the truth. This is especially when it’s most important to.
4. Sometimes they may feel jealous or territorial, and they “own those feelings doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.”
I really like this one. I think this is something we all can benefit from, whatever form of relationship we are in or want to be in. Who has not felt jealous or wanting to blame or control our loved ones at some point in our lives? It doesn’t mean avoiding those (natural) feelings altogether, but to acknowledge that they may not necessarily be an accurate reflection of reality and to stay close with the person we’re upset with and to try and work through it together.
Most importantly, they measure “the ethics of a good slut not by the number of his partners, but by the respect and care with which he treats them.” So whether we identify as a slut and act like one or don’t identify and act like one or neither, we can all learn and benefit from these basic rules of caring and respect for our loved one(s).