Where I deliberate the consequences of staying close with one’s ex and is it worth the trouble?

After breaking up with one’s ex should you have an absolutely clean break? Should you not even talk to the person for 3 months as many people recommend? And then depending on if you’re the person who initiated the break-up should you be even more careful to not hurt the person more and maintain distant contact with the other person even though they may want more?

I kinda feel like, at this point, I have fucked up on all of these levels. I previously wrote about having sex with the ex. But after my experience the last couple of days I would almost emphatically say no. Looking back I was probably a bit naive or unrealistic or maybe even self-absorbed. It was a hard last 48 hours and am still trying to figure out what are my lessons learned.

Me and the ex have maintained a very close friendship, even physically, almost since the beginning of the break-up—with a little break in there. Originally part of the excuse was that we were working together but we have also stayed in close touch and maintained a ‘close friendship’ as well.

And then recently when I ended up doing some physically intimate stuff with someone else, I told the ex and everything just exploded. Should I have seen that coming? Should I not have told him altogether? I did not want to get into details but I did want him to know since we are trying so hard to stay open and honest with each other, still, post-break up. At least I am, and I think he appreciates it. Do I ‘owe’ it to him? I don’t think of it in that way. It’s not out of obligation but because our relationship would be totally different if we did not tell each other these kinds of things. I know I can tend to be overly honest sometimes but I did feel strongly about this. We were so close and honest when we were together and we are trying to figure out staying close even as post-break up exes and friends.

He did not take it as well as I had hoped, or maybe as (I hope) I would have if it were the other way around. And it was emotionally so exhausting to work through all that it brought up. And having been out of practice of handling ‘couple’s quarrels’ it was a bit of a shock to my system as well.

Then it brings up other questions like, is it worth it? Should I just not do anything with anyone? Or just not tell him in the future? That would be much easier. I confess, I am still left feeling a little traumatized and a little withdrawn at this point. Since he didn’t take it well, part of me resents that I felt bad because of it. He of course apologized, sincerely and understands that he ‘freaked out.’ While I appreciate that, the shitty feelings it brought up in me (like guilt, general feeling bad patterns) and its residual effects still remain, leaving me with kind of want to vomit, kind of want to disappear and run away from it all feelings.