Q: My girlfriend has been with a good deal more people sexually than me. Our relationship is great, but my brain gets hung up on this one meaningless bit of information and I want it to stop. How do I do that?
Apparently this is a very common issue, whether it’s your girlfriend or boyfriend. But due to sexism, I think it is generally harder for men to deal with a more sexually experienced girlfriend than the other way around.
This has happened to me in the past, where I actually told the guy I was dating (whom I really liked a lot) the number of guys I’d been with and it seemed to have affected him, not in a good way. He was overall a really thoughtful, mature individual. I just didn’t understand why the number of guys I’d been with should bother him. He did tell me at one point about his first make-out experience. He was in high school and the girl he was with was much more experienced (hmm) and apparently she told him he should be much more aggressive while making out. That’s enough to scar anyone.
So this issue seems to bother some guys a lot and some guys not at all. I believe it is due to men’s oppression which tells men that they need to have serious sexual prowess and be the hunter (not the hunted) and generally be a player to be ‘cool’ and get girls. Sure most guys don’t buy into all of that. But many guys do buy into parts of it. And if you do then you are being brainwashed. You are buying whatever it is they are selling— bibles, encyclopedia— in this case the stereotype of what composes a ‘real’ man.
Just because you haven’t slept with lots of girls doesn’t mean you are lame or not a man or have no ‘game.’ It simply means that maybe you are not interested in casual sex or you are not a smooth charmer and can’t ‘trick’ girls into sleeping with you easily or you are shy or thoughtful or sensitive or any combination of the above. I would think a guy would appreciate a girlfriend who has had more experience (I have experienced this) because then hopefully that means he will have a great sex life and he doesn’t have to teach her everything or go through awkward phases. If you are worried you are not experienced enough well then if she really cares about you and the relationship then she’ll look forward to getting to train you and you can have a lot of fun sharing and learning together.
A lot of things with men’s oppression is tied to ego and pride. If A, then I am not a man. If B, then I am a man. Of course nothing is that black and white and if someone tries to tell you that then they are confused and not a role model you want to aspire to anyways.