My usual honest and open self has been struggling a bit lately.. and anyways, is honesty always the best policy?
Lately it’s been harder and harder to be honest in my blog posts.
No, I don’t care too much what strangers think. (And yes—some people were asking— I do delete attack comments on my blog.) Attacks are not fun, especially when from other Asians or other Asian women even but I can barely feel the anxiety now.
I don’t have a hard time being honest with strangers visiting and reading all over the world. I love that I have new visitors all the time and hopefully many return and find the information and perspective here helpful or interesting. No, it’s my closest friends that make it harder for me to write. Well, to follow my own rule of don’t-be-vague-be-honest, it’s my ex and another male friend that have made it difficult to be honest and open here as I usually am and like to be.
Do you have a journal that you write in at night and tuck away somewhere? That nobody ever sees except you? That maybe you dream about publishing after you die? Or maybe will be buried with you? Well, I do have my own journal too (where I ramble on and is not really informative and full of my worries and scribbles) but I really want this to be my helpful journal. Where I can be open and my thoughts and ramblings and conclusions and brainstorms could help other women (or men) in their lives. But lately it’s felt harder.
There’s a difference between what we think in our own heads and what we tell others. And there should be. It doesn’t make sense to tell people everything you’re thinking. For the possibility of hurting them unnecessarily with passing feelings or thoughts in your own head that haven’t fully formed or you’re not sure about anyways.
I guess it feels extra difficult to be honest since I have plenty of confusions and fears swirling around in my own head during this transitory time of my life. So many things are up in the air right now. How to make money in the short term. The long term. Working steadily to improve my blog. Paddling this summer. It’s all very exciting and scary. And.. scary. Taking risks is always scary. Whether it’s with your heart, your dreams, your relationships, your life path. I have felt lost and confused during many parts of my life. But at the same time I have always felt fortunate that I live during a time when I have the power and say on my own life.
I may fuck things up here or there. But at least I have the freedom to. I think that is an important reminder to a lot of us Asian women out there— and all women— it is our life.
No matter what messages we may get from society and loved ones to follow other paths, fulfill other obligations or duties, and other fabrications that people have created to guilt us to do things for them.
It’s my life. It’s my risk to take and my dreams I get to go after. And no one can take that away from me.
Do you always think honesty is the best policy? When is a white lie a good thing? What risks have you taken and are glad to take in your life? I welcome and appreciate all comments! (except attacks)