I have had a lot of mediocre sex in my life. With a lot of mediocre men. Kind of. But that’s not what’s shocking. The especially disappointing part is when it’s actually with someone that you really like and connect with and feel attracted to on an emotional and physical level. You like them, you trust them, all of it. That’s when if the sex is less than stellar it can feel especially heart wrenching. Maybe it’s condom issues, dryness issues, nerves on either part.. there are so many reasons why first-few-time sex can be truly awkward and embarrassing. What do you do with that? Fear not— it’s not a lost cause!
When I was first with the ex it took us a while to find our groove as well. Nerves can often make a sexual experience less than spectacular, combined with thoughts running around in his head and the desire to impress and please me, do not a relaxed boyfriend make. Later on he told me all that he was trying to balance and plan ahead in his head and we had a great talk and laugh about it all. But in the moment nobody’s laughing. And that’s why communication is crucial.
Communication is absolutely key.
Sure you can just keep going and kissing and not talk about what just happened and smile and pretend afterward it was all fine. But do you really want to do that to yourself? Especially when oftentimes it’s the woman that is left feeling less than satisfactory. If you didn’t come, don’t fake it! How will you ever come in the future if you start that trend? Presumably you know how to get yourself to come, then be (aggressive or) proactive and tell him what you want and need to feel good. Since guys don’t feel embarrassed doing whatever they need to do to feel good then we shouldn’t either. With a new person I can feel especially shy and less likely to speak up. But I think I’m improving.
There is also an awesome book on this very topic: I Love Female Orgasm written by a couple, Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, that delves into both male and female sides of the equation and covers all the awkward stuff you’re afraid to ask anyone directly. It’s been sitting on my bathroom floor and I have been skimming it at leisure, but I will blog about it soon as well.
Of course all of this helps if you have established some comfort level with each other before you get all naked. But hey maybe it doesn’t bother you. I used to be fine doing casual sex. It’s just not my M.O. anymore. Either way is fine, and no judgment, but you just need to know how far you are comfortable with going. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are in over your head and not able to say no—like drugs + sex + stranger, for example. Know yourself well enough to know what you can or can’t handle. More on this later.
So just remember:
1. Speak up and say what you want (in sex and otherwise).
2. Make sure to only get into situations that you know you are able to handle (be wary especially when involving drugs, alcohol or other things that make you lose awareness and control of your mind and/or body).
3. You deserve to feel good and have a great sex life!
*M.O. – modus operandi; how one thinks