Where I ponder the difficulty of letting someone in..
I have been at this Asian Leaders workshop for a few days now and it’s been a great respite from the rest of my life and a space to work on distress patterns (patterns we’ve developed after experiencing a hurtful experience) consistently for a length of time that I normally don’t get to do at home. Which has been great. You only get so far in a 2 hour session versus a 4 day workshop. It’s been jam-packed and I’ve been pushing my mind, my body, and myself in a strong, healthy, believing-and-determined-in-myself kind of way.
One great thing I’ve been working on is letting someone in.
I haven’t had as much of an issue with other themes, like fighting for myself, something I’ve been forced to do since I was little. However, also because of my childhood hurts I had made the decision and was left with the distress pattern that I would never truly trust another human being again. Maybe some people, somewhat, but not anyone really, for real. Really trusting someone, really relying on someone in a real way.
The relationships I’ve had with men over the years have been both wonderful and have also reinforced my early patterns of not being able to trust. Because they ended I was reminded again that I cannot trust people, and men. I have had girlfriends and mentors and male friends over the years, but still have not been able to let down my guard enough to trust and have expectations that someone could really be close to me, want to really be close with me, and that I could trust them to have my best welfare in mind.
I still go on with my life, my daily dreams, and hopes still basically feeling that I’m on my own. The problem is that I have settled for that. That I don’t hope for more, expect more, or demand more. I think, this is what I want. But actually I have given up.
I matter. I do deserve more. I don’t get to give up on my dreams, which includes not going it alone. To be hopeful enough to let someone in. To be scared, and that’s fine. That’s just right.