It’s understandable that the first time or first few times you have sex it may hurt. It certainly did for me. But what if it still hurts later on when you are far from being a virgin?
When I first had sex it really, really hurt (like a 9 out of 10 and I have a really high pain tolerance) for the first 10 times. I was fortunate to have a really kind, thoughtful boyfriend and could tell him when it was really painful. I felt comfortable enough to show it and could tell him to go slow and that made the world of difference. I knew I needed to relax and I knew it would start feeling really good after a few minutes, but it can be hard to relax your muscles when you’re in great pain. FYI. I also talk about it more in my ebook.
Apparently this is a pretty common search: ‘does sex hurt,’ ‘why does sex hurt,’ ‘anal sex hurt,’ ‘sex shouldn’t hurt,’ etc. So you’re not alone. But first let’s make clear that
Sex shouldn’t hurt.
It does not need to hurt and it should not hurt. It should be an extremely pleasurable experience for both parties—whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual sex. (Sometimes people like it when it hurts a little. But that gets into a whole other thing that I don’t want to get into right now.)
Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, mentions several reasons why sex may hurt:
an inflamed bladder
And specifically for women reasons why sex may hurt:
lack of moisture in the vagina (most definitely)
genital fit with their partner’s penis (more on this in Part 2)
Rapini writes that as many as 80% of people who suffer from painful sex learn to live with the symptoms. One in three endured painful sex weekly. This is an extremely high number for something that should not be put up with at all. We’ve already established that sex should not be painful.
Another important thing to keep in mind is to get to know your own body.
Pay attention to how your body feels during sex. Many times it’s easy to get caught up in the moment; or being really nervous or scared can blind us to the many details of how we’re feeling physically, but it’s important to be aware of what your body likes and doesn’t like. As women we get to and need to take the lead on this.
Because generally men can feel good during sex easily, and because it’s much more likely that women are in pain during sex than men, we as women need to learn to speak up.
And yes it seems to be a learning process for many of us. And that’s OK. But we cannot stay quiet. We need to keep trying to speak up. We don’t need to feel bad about where we still can’t speak up. But little by little, starting to speak up starts the momentum for being able to speak up more and more.