How to Get Over an Ex - Radical Ramblings by Shiuan ButlerRadical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler

Where I look back and ponder the lessons from the relationship and post-post-break-up.

How to get over an ex:

Let’s see, first spin around clockwise 5 times on your left foot, then counter-clockwise on the other, while tapping your head, under a mistletoe and while holding some cow’s tongue under your tongue. That should just about do it! If it were only that simple. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago now and— trust me— I have cried many, many, many tears over it and I am still not (completely) over it.

I think at this point I have come to the realization and am OK with the fact that I am not over it yet and it will simply take time.

I have talked and cried about it in my counseling sessions and still have lots more to do. Reminiscing our past great memories, all that we have built together, our journal that we shared together, the many amazing meals he took me to, birthdays we shared together, business we built together, trust, love, friendship, but mostly caring for each other and all the fun we had together. We did that really, really well.

Yes, there were hard times. And yes they were really, really hard. And I have learned a lot from them. I think. I hope. That to put one’s all into something, like a relationship, and yet not stay together in the end does not make the effort one put into it futile. It was still worth the effort. Life is not about only getting a certain outcome. It is how one lives day to day. About one’s faith in another human being. The love and caring you put into it because you want to, because there is no question, because you love them that much.

It took me some time to get to this point. At first, I blamed myself for a lot of things. For not ending it earlier, for not fixing his temper, for not foreseeing how things would turn out, for loving a man with anger issues. But ultimately, now, I am slowly letting go of my self-blame and simply valuing and treasuring our time we had together. Because there is a lot to hold dear. And I really appreciate that.

At the end of all of this, I’d like to take away that:

I don’t need to close myself off from trusting people in the future.

Our relationship has changed, but it does not need to end. And someday I hope we can be friends again.

The two years together and all the energy and work we both put into it was not a waste of time.

As sad as I am that it has come to an end, all is not lost. What we created together will stay with both of us forever. And that is a valuable thing.

VioletsAreRed

Hi Shiuan,

I used an obvious fake name because I run a women’s support group and want to keep it anonymous–I’m also about to share things that are very hard for me.

I just wanted to thank you for posting this. It was very relevant to my life and it gave me hope. Last fall I finally got out of an abusive relationship lasting 3.5 years with someone I thought I was going to marry, and even though I’m with someone new, I’m still not over him. How can I be? The relationship didn’t end because I stopped loving him, and his good sides are more amazing than most non-abusive men I’ve known, and they are just as much a part of who he is as the bad things. My current partner knows how I feel, is also a survivor of abuse and is very supportive, but I’m so sick of not being over it, as if I have control over time and what it does. Recently a friend of ours died in a horrific car crash, so all the work I had done on myself got rewound, like a tape, and I have to start over. It didn’t help that she had been one of the few people I could speak openly about my ex to because she didn’t know him (she lived out of state and I live in a small town). Another struggle is I am actually friends with my ex and still close with his family, and he’s turning out to be a great friend, which is a blessing and a curse because now he’s everything I needed him to be and it’s too late. His sister is part of my women’s group so I don’t get to be as open when things are bothering me–I invited her to the group, she needs the group and at the end of the day she is better for having the support system; however, a part of me is sacrificed in the process.

I really like the end part of your post–what you’re choosing to take away. I try to tell myself those things, but it was so much more effective to hear it from someone else who had been through something similar. I’ve always been someone who thinks our experiences are important but it’s been hard to convince myself I’m learning anything from any of this. I’m trying to write a book about it and the worst writer’s block in my mind is when you think what you’ve been through is unimportant, a waste of time, and no one will care about it. I feel a little better now. Thanks and much <3
http://www.shiuanbutler.com Shiuan

Hi VioletsAreRed,

It means a lot to me to see your message. That is why I blog—to hopefully make a difference in even 1 out of 15 women who come across my blog. Then it is worth it.

That’s so good you have a current partner who understands. I know you mentioned you’re ‘sick’ of not being over it. Self-blame is a huge part of abusive relationships. I have recently realized with myself especially it is really rooted in self-blame from my abusive childhood and not being able to protect my mom then (not to mention protecting myself which I did not think about!). So, as it is with all challenges in life, it is not the challenge itself, it’s really what we learn about ourselves from it in the end that matters.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend that died. Accidents can be so confusing and tragic. I would only say if possibly you could try writing to your friend in a letter or journal? Your memories and relationship with her does not have to end because she died. It’s still important.

As for the sister, that was very generous of you, but I suspect it’s also where we can be extremely nice to others sometimes at the expense of ourselves. Is there another women’s group she could be part of? I understand it’s hard to change now, but possibly something to keep in mind in similar situations in the future. Your need for this space is important too! It’s not bad to take care of yourself.

Regarding your ex being an amazing friend now but it’s too late— yes I feel that exes can oftentimes do that. They try harder because you’re not together. And they get more lazy or fall into their bad patterns (abusive or not) when you’re together because you’re together and can easily take you and the relationship for granted. I certainly noticed that myself.

I had a huge writer’s block when writing about my abusive ex experience in Hawaii in my ebook. It was traumatic trying to write and ‘re-live it’ again. But your experience is so important to so many of the other women out there who have lived through similar experiences. Just as my post touched you, yours will touch others.

Wishing you all the best.

Aloha,
Shiuan