Where I dare us as Asian women to be bolder, bigger, and more selfish!
I remember when I was in college I could not stand to be by myself for more than 3 hours at a time. I started feeling like I was going to ‘go crazy.’ I had a hard time figuring out what to do with my days— I didn’t know what I wanted so I let myself by swayed by what others wanted me to do (usually for them). But I think the fact was I couldn’t stand to be with myself, to enjoy my own company —because when you’re alone that’s what it is— was somehow torturous. What is up with that?
Recently, I fell into another bout of SMCA, Sacrificing Myself in Caretaking Another. And somehow it always ends up being a man. Someone I’m kinda, sorta dating. I did it 11 years ago when I married my boyfriend that I wasn’t in love with anymore but felt bad for (you can read more in my book).
A counselor and friend recently gave me this helpful reminder:
It is NOT my job to caretake men.
How revolutionary. It really is. That is what Asian women have done (living in Asia and elsewhere) since the beginning of time. And though we’d like to think we’re all modern now and have our mobile device or are very fashionable or something so we are not all like how they used to be in the old days with several wives and bound feet (don’t get me started on 4” heels).
So here are my Top 5 Challenges for Asian Women:
1. Enjoy time with ourselves
I rarely saw my mom doing that growing up. My (white) dad modeled that just fine. He was always doing his own thing—reading the paper, tinkling with his hobby, or just generally taking time for himself. Meanwhile my mom seemed always to be working—cleaning, cooking, tired, etc. We get to take time out to treat ourselves. Not only do we deserve it, it’s important for our mental and physical health and well-being.
2. Be selfish
I usually word it as “putting ourselves first.” But I think putting it as being selfish really makes it clear. I know selfish has a terribly negative connotation. But I dare us to embrace it like a little kid. We actually have no need to worry that we actually would become selfish at all, but if we point ourselves in that direction we may actually caretake a little less.
3. Dream big (plan small)
Remember what your dreams were. Or dare to dream big and imagine if you weren’t settling what would you really want to do? After you figure out what your dreams are take small steps to get there.
4. Be gentle with our bodies
Don’t wait until the last minute when your doctor tells you that there’s something wrong to actually start taking care of yourself. Hey that’s better than nothing but dare to take care of yourself because you are worth it— not just to prevent a serious disease from coming on. Do something active that makes you happy.
5. Treat yourself (everyday)
Do something—it can be small—just for yourself everyday. Whether it’s taking a bath or reading a book for pleasure or taking a walk. Do something that does not necessarily directly benefit others (like cooking or cleaning) that is just for you, on a daily basis. You are worth it. And actually it benefits others too to have a happier you. Remember: You’re not on earth to only serve others. Fuck that.
Question: What do you do to go against the traditional Asian women patterns of subservience and working hard? What do you do to treat yourself well or put your dreams first? Any other thoughts welcome too!
Related Links: