It’s easy to feel lonely in a big empty apartment all to myself. Where I remind myself that I am deeply loved even when I’m lonely.
It’s been four months since the ex-BF moved out and we broke up. But it still hasn’t been easy. Lots of things have been a big transition to get used to:
I can never get myself to sleep at a decent time. Before midnight is nothing short of a miracle.
I am pretty much used to sleeping by myself now. Though I still prefer cuddling or spooning whenever possible.
Working in my big empty apartment by myself.. sometimes I fear I’m just going to start talking to myself out loud and forget that it’s not normal.
There are still lots of things around that remind me of him or memories we shared together— boots he helped me pick out, photos of us together that I haven’t bothered to take down yet, Chinese good fortune stickers I haven’t taken down yet, and much more.
Sometimes I wonder why I wanted to live by myself again. I did enjoy living with girlfriends in a 3 bedroom apartment in Boston. But not having friends to live with in NYC I just ended up living with a bunch of freaks and finally got so fed up I was just dying to live alone.
And I really enjoyed it at first. I didn’t have to deal with anyone else’s messes. I didn’t have to clean up all the dishes that night if I didn’t feel like it. I picked out my own curtains and chose the color, length, texture— I felt like a real grown-up! No one was going to walk in on me and I could walk around half naked.
But as much as I used to resent the BF being at home every single day, now I constantly have to remind myself that I am very much loved even though I may not talk to anyone all day barely.
Who knew it’s such a struggle to remember one is loved when one feels lonely?
Which is why I love going out to the Hamptons or going surfing near the city. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to live in a city. I miss the ocean if I don’t get to see the beach every other day. It soothes and calms me like nothing else. I have my 3-2 wetsuit so I’m not as scared of the cold water. I miss the salt air, my big tangled salty mess of a hair, and the insanely sweet smells—whether it’s a grass, corn or pumpkin fields or even swampy ponds.
I’d like to make more girlfriends, but it’s a slow process in NYC.
So right now it’s me, myself and I. I postponed dating, and I’m glad I did, so I could date myself and figure out who I am right now, what I want, and get my head screwed on straight after the breakup and boy-drama. I’ve never been very good—though I’m much improved— at spending time with myself. And that’s a problem. Other people seem to have a great time being with me. So how come I can’t?
I used to go crazy if I spent 3 hours by myself. I’ve improved way beyond that now but it still concerns me that I don’t love spending time with me. Sure I understand humans are social animals but I always sensed that men could enjoy themselves just fine on their own—taking themselves out to eat, drink, see movies etc— whereas women generally have a harder time treating ourselves to a good time.
I want to get better at it. I want to get better at treating myself well, enjoying my own company. And generally having fun with myself. And maybe by then I’ll be ready to date.
Questions: What do you to to help when you feel lonely? Do you take yourself out on ‘me-dates?’ What do you take yourself to do?