Trying to Remember I’m Loved When I’m Lonely

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 It’s easy to feel lonely in a big empty apartment all to myself. Where I remind myself that I am deeply loved even when I’m lonely. 

 

It’s been four months since the ex-BF moved out and we broke up. But it still hasn’t been easy. Lots of things have been a big transition to get used to:

 

I can never get myself to sleep at a decent time. Before midnight is nothing short of a miracle.

 

I am pretty much used to sleeping by myself now. Though I still prefer cuddling or spooning whenever possible.

 

Working in my big empty apartment by myself.. sometimes I fear I’m just going to start talking to myself out loud and forget that it’s not normal.

There are still lots of things around that remind me of him or memories we shared together— boots he helped me pick out, photos of us together that I haven’t bothered to take down yet, Chinese good fortune stickers I haven’t taken down yet, and much more.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I wanted to live by myself again. I did enjoy living with girlfriends in a 3 bedroom apartment in Boston. But not having friends to live with in NYC I just ended up living with a bunch of freaks and finally got so fed up I was just dying to live alone.

 

And I really enjoyed it at first. I didn’t have to deal with anyone else’s messes. I didn’t have to clean up all the dishes that night if I didn’t feel like it. I picked out my own curtains and chose the color, length, texture— I felt like a real grown-up! No one was going to walk in on me and I could walk around half naked.

 

But as much as I used to resent the BF being at home every single day, now I constantly have to remind myself that I am very much loved even though I may not talk to anyone all day barely.

Who knew it’s such a struggle to remember one is loved when one feels lonely?

 

Which is why I love going out to the Hamptons or going surfing near the city. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to live in a city. I miss the ocean if I don’t get to see the beach every other day. It soothes and calms me like nothing else. I have my 3-2 wetsuit so I’m not as scared of the cold water. I miss the salt air, my big tangled salty mess of a hair, and the insanely sweet smells—whether it’s a grass, corn or pumpkin fields or even swampy ponds.

 

I’d like to make more girlfriends, but it’s a slow process in NYC.

 

So right now it’s me, myself and I. I postponed dating, and I’m glad I did, so I could date myself and figure out who I am right now, what I want, and get my head screwed on straight after the breakup and boy-drama. I’ve never been very good—though I’m much improved— at spending time with myself. And that’s a problem. Other people seem to have a great time being with me. So how come I can’t?

 

I used to go crazy if I spent 3 hours by myself. I’ve improved way beyond that now but it still concerns me that I don’t love spending time with me. Sure I understand humans are social animals but I always sensed that men could enjoy themselves just fine on their own—taking themselves out to eat, drink, see movies etc— whereas women generally have a harder time treating ourselves to a good time.

 

I want to get better at it. I want to get better at treating myself well, enjoying my own company. And generally having fun with myself. And maybe by then I’ll be ready to date.

 

Questions: What do you to to help when you feel lonely? Do you take yourself out on ‘me-dates?’ What do you take yourself to do?

 

Related Links:

Little Chinese Girls Want Things Too

Shiuan Butler’s Single Girls’ Guide to Casual Sex

You Don’t Have to Do Casual Sex—Just Try Casual Snuggling

  • http://twitter.com/gshamon Georgina Shamon

    I’m a bit the opposite — Its been about 2 years since I’ve really truly talked to someone especially a guy. I’ve gotten used to not checking my phone or expecting calls/texts. Although of course, from friends I still do talk more frequently with. Its what I wanted at first (after being hurt) but now I’ve gotten too good at it — i miss having someone to talk to. I do like and crave time to myself — to read, pray, (attempt to) meditate, write, think, etc. Balance is good for us though.. I may too far on one side. You seem to be on the other. Oh Life!

  • questions

    What about your co-workers? Surely you can get after-work drinks?

    • http://www.shiuanbutler.com Shiuan

      Hey thanks for the suggestion. That is sweet. I do have friends and am making more girlfriends which has been great. Still the lonely feelings persist because they are old from childhood and are still lingering. So when I’m by myself in my apt for more than a couple hours it can surface and start feeling more real than it really is.

      Thanks for reading ;-)

  • Guest

    Relationships and knowing what to expect from them is tricky. Rather
    than always default to blaming feelings of loneliness in relationship on
    my current partner, which happens sometimes, I try to explore my unconscious desire to perceive
    the relationship as flawed/painful as some weird form of self-protection
    (if that makes sense). A good intention for me is: “I allow myself to feel loved in any circumstance.” But, realistically, in the moment when I am feeling abandoned or unloved, I generally do expressive arts or emotional release work because I need a place to vent the agony-pain that is coming up for me. More long-term fixes are making new friends and continuing to do inner healing work, Inner Child and otherwise, around my own fears of intimacy. Ironically, I am needy but also feel smothered if my man seems too close.

  • http://twitter.com/ChocolateVamp H. Raven Rose

    Relationships and knowing what to expect from them is tricky. Rather
    than always default to blaming feelings of loneliness in relationship on
    my current partner, I explore my unconscious desire to perceive
    the relationship as flawed/painful as some weird form of self-protection
    (if that makes sense). A good intention for me is: “I allow myself to feel loved in any circumstance.” Inner Child work is helpful. I seem to alternately feel needy in the relationship when the attachment seems insecure and then smothered if the attachment is too secured.

  • Phoenix

    It’s important to like your own company. It’s something I struggle with everyday, feeling calm and happy by myself with no distractions (food, tv, male attention). They call it being Present in The Wisdom of the Enneagram. Presence is difficult to attain but it’s probably the most important thing to pursue in life.

    http://www.amazon.com/The-Wisdom-Enneagram-Psychological-Personality/dp/0553378201

    • shiuanbutler

      Hi Phoenix,
      I certainly agree. And most people are not aware of this notion or don’t care to think so hard. So thank you. And thanks for the suggestion — I see its very popular. I will look into it.

      Mahalo for reading and commenting!

      Shiuan