Dating Asian Women When You’re an Asian Guy (2)

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Where I give my top 5 encouraging tips for Asian men presently dating or who want to date Asian women.

 

Honestly, I felt a bit stumped trying to write this post. And just to clarify, this is about Asian American men dating Asian American women. It includes Asians in other Western countries too. But I’m definitely referring to Asians who migrated outside of Asia.

 

I did have an Asian male friend suggest I write a post for Asian men dating white women. I responded that since I was neither I wouldn’t know what to say about it. He suggested I do research.

 

So at risk of being attacked once again for basically having an opinion as an Asian woman— welcome to my top five tips for Asian men wooing Asian women:

 

Top Five Tips for Asian Men Dating Asian Women:

 

1. Don’t assume the sexism from generations before you. 

We inadvertently take on qualities from our parents, whether we want to or not, whether we’re aware of it or not. We see the good and the bad and we subconsciously take it all in. Which is exactly how sexism— or any other oppression— gets passed down generation to generation. But we don’t need to repeat the past. And one good way to ensure we don’t is to be aware of our habits. Are we treating our partners the same way we saw our parents treat each other? Is that how we want to treat our partners? Being aware and asking ourselves these kinds of questions is the first step to making sure we’re treating our partners the best we can and to make sure we’re continually improving.

 

2. Don’t write us all off as the same superficial, materialistic, ditzy Asian girls you think we are. 

News flash: Not all Asian girls are the same. We have unique traits and variations just like any other group. The problem when you’re any minority group is that because there aren’t as many of you, there aren’t as many chances to see the wide variations. Then it’s easy to assume there aren’t that many differences within the group. Which is of course total bull shit. Hey it’s fine to date white girls, black girls, Latina, Native and every other color of the rainbow, just don’t write off your own race because of a stereotype. Talk about IO (internalized oppression—in this case, internalized racism).

 

3. Don’t get mad when we point out your sexism. 

As a man, you invariably will have sexist patterns simply as a result of growing up in this society. It wasn’t your own doing; you wouldn’t have chosen it if you had a choice. At the same time, don’t get mad or defensive when your partner points out your sexism. This is the perfect time for you to say, “Oh, oops. I didn’t realize. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I won’t do it again.” It takes guts for a woman to point out a man’s sexism. Get mad, and you can be sure she won’t bring it up again in the future though she will still notice it or get ready for a big argument.

 

4. Don’t believe the demasculinization of Asian men stereotype.

OK, we all know Asian men get a bad rap in this country. While we have come a long way from Charlie Chan TV series and anti-miscegenation laws to hot Asian male actors on LOST and Kumar—I mean Kal Penn—working at the White House. At the same time, there is still so much farther we have to go when things like this, this, and this still happen. However, just because racism still exists does not mean that you need to walk around with your head down and tail between your legs. Stand tall and don’t give me reason to believe the stereotype when I see you walking down the street. You can’t wait for the stereotype to disappear. You need to combat it by being a proud Asian male.

 

5. Don’t try so hard. 

Desperation is so not attractive. Also eagerness and rushing into things isn’t the best way to start off a relationship either. I know you might be really excited about the girl you just met or maybe you just really want to get laid, either way, taking it slow is so much more sexy and this way you can also see if you’re truly a good match for each other. Also don’t suffocate her or move in together too fast either. What’s the rush? Take the time to really get to know one another. Some things take time to reveal themselves.

 

Questions: As an Asian man what do you like about dating an Asian woman? As an Asian woman what’s something an Asian guy has done in wooing you that you especially liked? 

 

Related Links:

Why Do Asian Men Love to Hate Me?

Sexism and Internalized Racism: A Case Study

I Spot Sexism

  • http://www.facebook.com/ben.jpua Ben J Pua

    It’s refreshing to see an article about dating Asian women for Asian dudes like myself. Personally, I don’t find myself physically attracted to Asian girls (grew up in an all white town, never really liked to taste anything of Asian descent unfortunately). I like Asian girls, but just as friends. Yeah, I’ve run into the ditzy materialistic girls, but I make it a point not to pidgeon-hole these girls. Then again, I do live in Hollywood…

    I found this article for Asian guys on how to date Asian girls too. This unfortunately does not apply to me, but I feel it’s good for your Asian dudes who are eternally in love with Asian girls. You can find that article here: http://www.abcsofattraction.com/blog/7-steps-to-seriously-dating-an-asian-girl/

    By the way, tip #4 in your article is the best :)

    • shiuanbutler

      Hi Ben,
      Thanks for visiting and reading. As for the article you referred me to by Johnny Wolf– it’s hard for me to respect what he says when he writes off all Asian girls as ‘socially retarded.’ But since he writes off all Asians as socially retarded and since he’s Asian too I guess I should feel better? I’m confused if your site is supposed to be about finding love or simply getting laid? Or either?

      It also makes me think I should write about why Asian men don’t like dating Asian women. Do you have any insights for yourself other than just having always been that way?

      • http://www.facebook.com/ben.jpua Ben J Pua

        Hey there,

        Thanks for responding! In all honesty, I feel the same way about “socially retarded” asians too. It is hard to respect. Totally with you there. I was there once too.

        I think if you wrote an article about Asian men not dating Asian women would be great. I’m a guy who doesn’t like to date Asian women (the most I’ll go is half). It may because I was born and raised in an all white community in Illinois, or maybe it’s just my experience with Asian women in college is lackluster. I was once socially retarded in a way, but I feel that term is pretty harsh… I prefer the term “culturally confused.” This is because in my home with my parents, I was raised with Thai culture, but as soon as I exited the house, I was in Western Culture, where the social rules and norms were much different. I was greeting people by putting my hands together and bowing when I was in Elementary school, and everyone was weirded out, but it’s what I was raised as.

        The site is basically either way for guys who use our program. Every student that I’ve worked with has different goals. Some just want to get laid and others want to get married. 90% of the time, the guys who just want to get laid end up getting into some sort of serious relationship (often times resulting in marriage)after having 1-3 partners. Keep in mind that goals change over time. Most often it’s from “I want to have tons of sex!” to “I want a steady attractive girlfriend!”

        Hope this brings a little more insight. If you do write an article about interracial dating, please let me know! I’d love to read it!