Where I give my top 5 encouraging tips for Asian men presently dating or who want to date Asian women.
Honestly, I felt a bit stumped trying to write this post. And just to clarify, this is about Asian American men dating Asian American women. It includes Asians in other Western countries too. But I’m definitely referring to Asians who migrated outside of Asia.
I did have an Asian male friend suggest I write a post for Asian men dating white women. I responded that since I was neither I wouldn’t know what to say about it. He suggested I do research.
So at risk of being attacked once again for basically having an opinion as an Asian woman— welcome to my top five tips for Asian men wooing Asian women:
Top Five Tips for Asian Men Dating Asian Women:
1. Don’t assume the sexism from generations before you.
We inadvertently take on qualities from our parents, whether we want to or not, whether we’re aware of it or not. We see the good and the bad and we subconsciously take it all in. Which is exactly how sexism— or any other oppression— gets passed down generation to generation. But we don’t need to repeat the past. And one good way to ensure we don’t is to be aware of our habits. Are we treating our partners the same way we saw our parents treat each other? Is that how we want to treat our partners? Being aware and asking ourselves these kinds of questions is the first step to making sure we’re treating our partners the best we can and to make sure we’re continually improving.
2. Don’t write us all off as the same superficial, materialistic, ditzy Asian girls you think we are.
News flash: Not all Asian girls are the same. We have unique traits and variations just like any other group. The problem when you’re any minority group is that because there aren’t as many of you, there aren’t as many chances to see the wide variations. Then it’s easy to assume there aren’t that many differences within the group. Which is of course total bull shit. Hey it’s fine to date white girls, black girls, Latina, Native and every other color of the rainbow, just don’t write off your own race because of a stereotype. Talk about IO (internalized oppression—in this case, internalized racism).
3. Don’t get mad when we point out your sexism.
As a man, you invariably will have sexist patterns simply as a result of growing up in this society. It wasn’t your own doing; you wouldn’t have chosen it if you had a choice. At the same time, don’t get mad or defensive when your partner points out your sexism. This is the perfect time for you to say, “Oh, oops. I didn’t realize. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I won’t do it again.” It takes guts for a woman to point out a man’s sexism. Get mad, and you can be sure she won’t bring it up again in the future though she will still notice it or get ready for a big argument.
4. Don’t believe the demasculinization of Asian men stereotype.
OK, we all know Asian men get a bad rap in this country. While we have come a long way from Charlie Chan TV series and anti-miscegenation laws to hot Asian male actors on LOST and Kumar—I mean Kal Penn—working at the White House. At the same time, there is still so much farther we have to go when things like this, this, and this still happen. However, just because racism still exists does not mean that you need to walk around with your head down and tail between your legs. Stand tall and don’t give me reason to believe the stereotype when I see you walking down the street. You can’t wait for the stereotype to disappear. You need to combat it by being a proud Asian male.
5. Don’t try so hard.
Desperation is so not attractive. Also eagerness and rushing into things isn’t the best way to start off a relationship either. I know you might be really excited about the girl you just met or maybe you just really want to get laid, either way, taking it slow is so much more sexy and this way you can also see if you’re truly a good match for each other. Also don’t suffocate her or move in together too fast either. What’s the rush? Take the time to really get to know one another. Some things take time to reveal themselves.
Questions: As an Asian man what do you like about dating an Asian woman? As an Asian woman what’s something an Asian guy has done in wooing you that you especially liked?