How Am I Shy AND Open About Sex? (Part 1)

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Where I reflect on where I’m shy and where I’m open in my personal and sex life and what I want to work on changing.

 

I recently have come to the realization that while there are some things I’m very open about (thus the blog) there are also many things that I’m still quite reserved and shy about. And even more interestingly has been trying to figure out why, how it came about, if it benefits me or not, and if not, then how I can get rid of it. For example:

 

What I Am Open About:

 

1. Talking about sex—my past and current sex life.

Somehow it doesn’t really unnerve me. I can even talk about it with a new acquaintance face to face. I’ve written about STDs, bad sexual experiences, mistakes I’ve made, old men fetishes. No problem. I don’t just criticize other men’s fuck ups, but I openly talk about my own mistakes I’ve made, including being addicted to men that aren’t good for me, dabbling in casual sex and other adventures.

 

2. My fuck ups.

I can talk openly and in detail about the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I do it so others can learn from my mistakes. But regardless, I don’t feel embarrassed or shame in sharing them. They are what they are and I only hope to have learned and moved on from them.

 

3. My early, unhappy, abusive childhood.

I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by it. It is what is, like my mistakes. I have nothing to be ashamed of. My fucked up dad is not me. And I like to share my experience to hopefully help other women and men realize that we do not have to be held back by it.

 

4. My previous abusive relationships.

Again, I am not ashamed that I’ve dated abusive men in the past. Even that I’ve dated more than one. They were certainly not the highlight of my life, but I learned things during those times that I never would have otherwise.

 

5. My body, health, menstrual cycle, etc.

Again, this is also in the same vein of sharing is caring. I write about quitting birth control pills, weird things coming out of my vagina, diva cups versus tampons, and stress-induced hives. Some might feel somewhat embarrassing to talk about, but the benefits certainly outweigh the cons for me. I can get over my temporary embarrassment if the information is helpful for other women.

 

What I Am Shy About:

 

1. Doing anything physical (anything beyond hugging) for the first time with a new person.

Despite the fact that I can speak and write completely openly about my sexual experiences in the past, or even in the present (without naming names of course), I am extremely frozenly shy when starting anything physical with a new person.

 

2. Saying what I want during sex.

As bold and confident as I may seem in other areas, I still have a hard time speaking up and telling the other person what I want in bed. Whether it’s intercourse or oral sex or asking for what I want, I still get quite frozen up or am way too compliant at best. It’s like the cashier asking if I want paper or plastic— oh whatever is fine. But it’s sex! No bueno.

 

3. My successes.

While I am open about my fuck ups, you’d think I’d be even more open about my successes. But no. I am quite reticent and even self-effacing about them. While I should be self-promoting or marketing and proud of my achievements, if not quite bragging, instead I play them down and say it’s no big deal.

 

4. Revealing my body.

Even though I wear bikinis much of the time in my hobbies— surfing and stand up paddling— I still get shy to walk around in just a bikini around men. (Maybe if I moved back to Hawaii, it’d help.)

 

5. Being pursued.

Romantically that is. While on the one hand it is quite flattering, somehow it feels overwhelming and I start worrying what their intentions or ulterior motives are.

 

All the things I’m open about I’m glad that I am. I’m proud of it and I wouldn’t want to change it. The things that I’m shy about, on the other hand, I want to change them all:

 

I Want to Be Able to:

1. Do anything physical (anything beyond hugging) for the first time with a new person.

I want to be able to initiate when I want to and not always be waiting for the other person to make the first move. Being excited and thrilled is natural. But I don’t want to be so terrified to be frozen in my tracks anymore.

 

2. Say what I want during sex.

This one is big. And will obviously take some time. But eventually I want to start being able to ask for what what I want during sex. I want to make sure I don’t do anything that I am not absolutely enthusiastic about doing. I don’t want to worry about the other person and weighing how much a sacrifice it is if I do what they want even though it’s not what I want, and convincing myself “it’s no big deal, just this time.”

 

3. Brag about my successes.

I want to be able to talk about my successes as openly as I talk about my mistakes. Matter-of-factly, but without ducking-my-head pretending like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal! I’m awesome! I need to claim it. And stop pretending I’m small and timid, like I’m OK with that.

 

4. Be comfortable revealing my body.

I am slowly getting more and more comfortable with showing my body around others. I don’t need to be a nudist. I’d just like to be able to walk around in my bikini with no qualms and just like, this is me.

 

5. Be nonchalant about being pursued.

I don’t want to be scared of being pursued. If I’m clear on what I want or if at least I can be firm and direct about what I want and how I feel then I wouldn’t be as nervous or scared. I don’t need to have all the answers right now, but if I felt comfortable saying whatever or however I felt to the guy then I’d be much more relaxed about the situation.

 

I’m very excited to tackle these areas. Scary. But most definitely worth it. I’ll talk more about how I became open or why am I shy in these areas in parts 2 and 3.

 

Questions: What are you reserved or shy about that you’d like to change? How do you plan on changing them?

 

Related Links:

I Used to Be Really, Really Shy, No Really

Who The Hell Do You Think I Am?

A Letter to a Sister in the Philippines


  • http://www.facebook.com/lanell.beckles Lanell Beckles

    Shiuan, this whole blog is a great for me and men out there. There are very few blogs out there that give insight to a woman’s mind. I really do love hearing about what is going through a woman’s mind and why women do what they do. What’s interesting is that you separate sex from the act in terms of what makes you shy. I’ve seen this same trend with other people. Sex in itself is just sex, but anything sexual towards oneself is taboo. Awesome stuff Shiuan. Don’t stop the MUSIC!!!

    • shiuanbutler

      Hi Lanell– my favorite male cheerleader! That was such an awesome way to wake up this morning — after staying up so late working (on the blog) and seeing ur encouraging comment brought a big smile. Like I said, I can never get enough so feel free to keep em coming. That was never my original goal– it was to help other women feel less alone and less bad about ourselves and not feel ashamed of any feelings or experiences — but I guess open communication and understanding between men and women is definitely very important to me too and part of my larger message. So glad we met! We’ll have to talk about your blogging soon too. Hope that’s going we’ll.

      Aloha!

  • http://twitter.com/Cool_Hand Rob Prince

    Great post. You have a new follower to your blog. :) As far as your desiring initiating anything physical: most (VERY MOST) women are not good at this. And most men cannot handle it when a woman initiates. I have learned that it is the man’s job to initiate… Please don’t hate me for that insight… :) If you were to start initiating, you would see men start reacting in very uncomfortable ways. At least that is my experience. I’d love to see what you think about this when you start initiating.

    I cannot speak for any other man, because this is not something I have ever talked about with another man, but: I think it would be AWESOME for a woman to tell me what she wanted during sex. The best sex I have ever had included “Instructions”. :) Not crazy demands, but simple desires and requests. So I encourage you to practice this. My gut tells me that you would have a great response, as long as it was a confident man. And why have sex with any man who is not confident? :)

    Keep up the good work. Again, great post, and I look forward to reading your blog…

    • shiuanbutler

      Hey thanks Mr. Prince. Glad to have you as a new reader and thanks for the encouragement. Will do.