What is love? Don’t hurt me . . .

In the American culture we have so many binary positions (black or white), it is or it isn’t, and most of the time, that doesn’t really work for the degrees of things, and it helps us stay divided, polarized and avoid compromise. It reduces our ability to understand others and their perspectives, but that is really not the point of this post.

We love many things in many ways. We love french fries, we love french maids, we love France. We have a single word that describes many different degrees of affection, commitment or just interest.

We can borrow from the Greeks some understanding of these various “affections”. First, philo — brotherly love. We have people that we have shared experiences (perhaps because of a job, school, or recreational activity), things in common and we become friends with them. Sometimes good friends, so much so, that we share experiences together outside the original or primary exposure. We can share much with these friends, and often they will be life long, but many, many times, these friendships cease when the exposure changes, and over a period of time. (I would call this friendship rather than love, but you can “love” a friend very much, just not usually forever.) It is possible that these friends change into other types of love.

Eros is another love condition, I would most often describe as lust. Someone who is visually or otherwise desirable to us, and we want them, to have them, to use them. They make us happy to have them, but after we have them, this “lust” tends to wane. We wonder why we still like them, but the “fire” has burned out, and they are good for just once a week, or after something else happens, or when there is someone else more interesting. We often begin to lust others (or other things more), and leave this person behind (or ignored), after a bit of time.

Storge (/ˈstɔrdʒiː/; στοργή, storgē) is the natural love that many have for their offspring or family. Especially with regard to a newborn, there is no return love for you, they can’t help you as a friend might, and there is no “lust” in it that you can possess for your own gratification. You care for them, wish them well, even later when they drive you nuts. Many will always put the needs of their families first. No matter how dysfunctional or hurtful they may be, “blood is thicker”.

I think that in America, there is another type of love, similar to eros, but we have put our own spin upon it. Consumerism. I am quite content to be used, as long as I can use you as well. We both have some basic needs and functions, and I am quite happy to give you what you need, as long as I am getting what I need. Let’s keep it 50 / 50 and all will be well. It takes energy to keep this in balance, but there is little accountability to one another outside the parameters of what ever the needs are being co-reciprocated. This often where lust relationships deteriorate to, with ex’s, or when friend relationships are established or evolve as “friends with benefits”.

Additionally, I believe we are all broken. Everyone who had a “normal” and good family, find in some degree they are messed up. Even the “best” families have dark secrets that they have learned to hide. If you feel have a perfect family, look deeper, you might be burying something. That being said, there are exceptions to the rule, if you had a perfect family, there will be a perfect mate to break your heart later (or someone dies); at some point, life has low points that can wreck your perfect world. Broken people consume others, take and harm those around them. They may provide some good things, but as a means to an end, so they can consume (like adding wood to a fire). They have little to give, and will in the long run, take more than they leave.

There is a subset of broken people who are in recovery. They recognize that all people are limited by their fears and failures, and are drawn toward their addictions. People in recovery have developed relationships and practices that reduce their use of others, and are more of a source of giving. Recovery is recognizing that we are messed up in some way; that we have addictions that want to control our time and affections. We are limited by our fears, and some of those are very rational, but they limit our creativity. These people (the people in recovery), who have a system to deal with their “stuff” and are in recovery are those we can share our risks with, in a sustaining way. (People who are not in recovery, our relationships should be defined in ways we can help them, without great damage to ourselves.)

Agape is the fourth love that the Greek define (and the fifth in this conversation), and I believe that it comes from outside ourselves. A love of personal sacrifice (cost), toward others, by choice. To give, because we give. To love because we love. To love our enemies, and to bless them, to pray for their recovery, to give up our clothes after they steal our coat. That is a love greater than us. Some of us have that, and don’t think it is a God thing, because of all of the “religion” we have seen (this is where I think Jim’s daily practice comes from, even if he doesn’t). And I would agree in this regard, this love doesn’t come from religion. But I believe that it is something we reflect, it is not in us (This is what the cross is supposed to mean. A God who loves us as we are, not by what we’ve done, and shows us what separation from love looks like, so we don’t have to be separated, and welcomes us to him, even before we wanted it. This cross was and is never intended to support war, force or fear.)

If you are looking for love, look for people in recovery, who know their strengths and limitations and who do not exist to consume you. And if you can find Agape people in recovery, you will find a relationship where they are giving 100% of their ability to provide, care and serve you. They will live to wash your feet, to pick you up along the road, to carry you one mile and even another. They exist to love you. However, they might drive you nuts when they wash your enemies feet, help their enemies along the road, and bless our enemies with gifts. If you are not in agape as well, this can be too much to live in. Too much abundance. It is fanatical, and will drain your resources and possessions to be given to your enemies, and user friends, and is not compatible with the goals of “wasteful” spending or possession gathering that is so common today. To live in gratefulness, and share our abundance.

I live there, and have more than 27 years. In agape, and in tears. There has been pain and suffering, growing up is hard and life is hard (and unfair). We have had cancer and death, but our backs remain together. Some days my mirror is very dull. Sometimes we are tired, and don’t behave in recovery or agape, but our direction and our reflection is more and more agape. We don’t have to worry about keeping score, being fair or 50 / 50. We are in, all in, all the way in. And when the other is giving less, it is because they are low, and we have room to give even more. Limitless love, from outside of us, without “religion”, is a wonderful blessing.

We live to love, to give, to bless, to forgive, to keep no record of wrong, to be long suffering, to be patient and kind, and that is not who we were, but whom we are becoming. I hope you can meet love without “religion” or being used for love.