Top Ten Most Embarrassing Things I Will Probably Regret RevealingRadical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler

I asked popular blogger and successful entrepreneur, James Altucher, if he ever regretted things he revealed online. He said he regretted most everything. But “if you didn’t reveal about yourself – if you just ranted your opinion without sharing real intimacy then you are back in the “99%”, the people who are afraid to create, to innovate, to help, to stand out, to love others enough to give something that’s hard to give away.” So here’s to giving away.

My Top Ten Most Embarrassing Things I Will Probably Regret Revealing:

1. I now have a thing for much older men. “That’s not too old.” my girlfriend told me today. Thank you, C—. But 25 years older is pretty old.

It all started with a recent new friend. We have been intimate sexually though that is not what our relationship is based on. There is a lot of trust established by now because we have talked about most everything. But we are also peers intellectually and I really enjoy our conversations and his suggestions. But somehow it has also installed this new sense of hope pinned onto older men. I can’t say attraction because it’s not the usual kind of physical attraction. But it’s this immediate hope and wondering if ‘this’ older guy—whoever it is—could be ‘the one.’ It’s all very new and disorienting.

2. I still get hives when I’m stressed.

I mentioned a couple months ago that I was breaking out in hives due to the drama in my life. It’s mostly gone but started up again a couple days ago. I went to this amazing and inspiring entrepreneurial talk with James Altucher and Jerry Colonna, former Venture Capitalist turned Buddhist life coach. But then the next morning woke up hugely anxious and the hives returned. It’s not their fault. It was a good shake up, but anxiety-creating nonetheless.

3. Sometimes I censor myself because certain men in my life will probably see my blog posts and make a conclusion from it and I don’t want to give them that satisfaction.

Nuff said.

4. I am scared of the dark.

I used to be really embarrassed about this when I was 8 or 9. Now I don’t care so much anymore. But I really do hate the dark. I hate when I come home and I rush and turn the light on before I even close the front door. One time the ex and I had a big fight and I sat alone in the foyer in the dark—I was that depressed. I used to have a nightlight when I was 9 and hid it when girlfriends came over. I don’t have a nightlight anymore. Just my cell phone.

5. I probably shouldn’t drink, due to my health, but I don’t want to stop.

I mentioned in a previous post about my health issue that’s liver related. I’m fine now, but it could get worse later. Which is why I probably shouldn’t drink. And I haven’t most of my life. But recently I’ve drank more than I have the last two years. I don’t know why. Probably because I’m lonely.

6. I don’t know how to walk in heels and I feel dumb that I can’t.

I don’t know how to walk in heels and I’m not very good with make-up. These are the two things that make me feel very lame especially living in New York (City). I am embarrassed that I feel lame about it. I walk around in sneakers everyday and feel like I should be tough and cool about it, but inside I know I would feel better if I just knew how to do those things even if I didn’t actually do it most of the time.

7. I have many of the symptoms of someone with repressed sexual memories and I don’t want to uncover them.

This is also related to #4. I started masturbating at a very early age. Which was #1 in this sexual suppressed memory book I found yesterday. My girlfriend showed it to me specifically because I had mentioned this fact to her. I flipped through it but I couldn’t bear to take it home. They say your memories stay repressed until you are ready to handle them. I don’t feel ready and am very defensive about it. They’re repressed for a reason and I don’t see the point of unsuppressing them.

8. I feel fat.

And I never feel I have the space to complain about it because I’m skinny compared to a lot of women. I can talk about it with my skinny friends. But most guys would just laugh and say that’s lame. But a thought that is always in the back of your head is not lame, it’s obsessive and serious. I rub the skin on my ribs and feel like it’s fat. I love surfing and yoga. But I also really love how it makes my body look. I hate feeling fat. There’s nothing I hate more.

9. I will get up two hours early just to take a dump.

This is related to #8. I feel less fat (and bloated) if I poo every morning. No matter what I am doing in the morning (surfing dawn patrol at 7am) I will make sure to get up 2 hours earlier to give my body time to wake up and move things around in there so I can poo before I go out the door. I hate, HATE, going through my day with poo still in me.

10. I hate blow jobs and I hate that 80% of my search links come from blow job searches.

Let me clarify— I sometimes like giving blow jobs to men I really care about. However, due to my small-jaw problem it’s quite painful for me to give BJ’s. And now due to a random blow job workshop I happened to go to and a random write-up about it I now see how obsessed the world is with blow jobs.

Questions: What are you too embarrassed to share?