I Don’t Actually Want Sex All The Time

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Some of you may have noticed I took down the last post, My First Cunnilingus Orgasm, Prostate Massage and Other Transformative Discoveries, for the last 24 hours. Because I wasn’t sure I wanted to reveal that much. I’ve actually revealed plenty revealing stuff in the last two years. It’s just now it’s more popular than ever. The sexual content freaked some people out. And choices I made. Like they’ve never fucked up this bad.

 

I have a few points I’d like to make regarding:

Judgement

Mistakes

Sexual Double Standard

My Blog’s Mission

 

 

Judgement

People really like to judge.

I don’t know if it makes them feel better. To put others down. It makes them feel better about where their own life is lacking. They like to think they’re better than others. Kind of like Rachel Lynde in Anne of Green Gables (one of my favorite books ever). Some people like to gossip as their major form of entertainment.

I understand when I reveal as much as I do—and I understand I reveal a lot —and just because I choose to reveal about really private things doesn’t mean it’s easy for me— but it’s easy for people to stand outside looking in and say gosh that’s horrible, I would never do something like that, I can’t believe she would stoop that low, what a horrible role model, etc. That’s why people like to keep a lot of their life private. Because people feel it gives others power. Power to judge, condemn, criticize, feel superior. For me, I’ve decided that’s not real power. That’s simply a fake, self-puffed up feeling of superiority.

 

Mistakes

I have always done what I wanted to do.

When I was little my mom didn’t approve of how I dressed. It wasn’t girly enough. In college I majored in Asian American Studies. Again, not very practical. Then I got married to a guy. Then I got divorced. Then I moved to Hawaii to surf. On the outside, seemingly crazy, nonsensical, rash things to do. But I’m such a calm, rational person, mostly. It’s easier to judge when you don’t know much about the person or the details of the situation. I understand I didn’t put a lot of details into the last controversial post. My head was swimming, understandably, from it all still and it was a broad stroke over things that could each have been their own post. And maybe I will later.

You don’t learn when you do things based on what other people tell you to do.

You just don’t. You also tend to grow resentful or angry later on when you’ve based your decisions on what others think you should do and it didn’t turn out the way you wanted. You don’t get to blame yourself either if it didn’t work out in the end. But you really learn the most when you make decisions based on your own thinking.

I’m trying to figure something out. And I’m not the kind of person to not explore things.

If I was I would never have moved to Hawaii and found the love of my life (surfing). I like to take risks and I like going to the depths and exploring feeling things. That’s just how I am. I’d rather live and experience life to the fullest than shy away from things because some people think it’s not the ‘correct’ thing to do.

There are no ‘shoulds.’

People will want to tell you what you ‘should’ be doing your whole life, from when you’re little til you die. You shouldn’t eat dirt, shouldn’t get your dress dirty, shouldn’t perm your hair, shouldn’t sing at the table, shouldn’t say the word ‘suck’ (my dad), shouldn’t have sex at home (also my dad), shouldn’t buy new clothes, shouldn’t ‘party,’ shouldn’t get married, shouldn’t move to Hawaii when you’re young, yada yada yada. People love telling other people what they should do.

Similar to judgment it seems to make people feel better. Or it comes from a place of fear. They think they’re doing you a favor but they’re just trying to scare you or it’s because they’re scared. Of what may happen to you if you don’t take their advice. They’re telling you don’t do things they’d never do because it scares them. And they think it’s ‘wrong.’ I had a girl friend in college who was hurrying to get married before her dad died. Very filial. But I could never do something like that for my parents. I’ve always felt a strong compulsion to live my life for myself. Thankfully neither my mom nor dad laid a big guilt trip on me to do so.

(Yes I have done plenty of things for other people and men in the past, including getting married. However, not for my parents. Maybe my mom modeled that when she abandoned me. Not cool to be abandoned, but I also learned you need to put yourself first.)

An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

One of my favorite quotes. By Niels Bohr. There are no such things as mistakes, only discoveries. Because ‘mistakes’ has the connotation that it should not have been done. When it’s just another step in life. No we’re not perfect. Yes we’re going to fuck up. Yes that is life and what makes it so fun.

I want to and get to figure things out for myself and not do things just because someone told me what I ‘should’ do.

I know I learn most when I get to make my own discoveries. Even if B was a ‘mistake’ and I chose A because people told me to, I will never learn the life lessons that B path would have taught me. I would simply have gone down A path and not gained anything from it. Except learning how to follow rules. And that’s not who I want to be. Someone who is very good at following rules. Barf.

 

The Sexual Double Standard

Men can be overtly sexual, and they’re considered awesome. But if women are, then we’re branded as sluts.

My friend is part of the new anthology, Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the stories that kept us small. Men can throw their sexual prowess around, be a ‘playboy’, and be considered desirable, sexy, and oh so cool. But while a woman can play with the borderline of being powerful and sexy, she certainly can’t advertise the fact that she’s been with a lot of people the way men can with their conquers and tallies. There’s a condemnation and judgment there. The scarlett letter. The ‘should’ that it’s not ‘ladylike.’

Men don’t like their women to be powerfully sexual in public.

Or sexually powerful. They don’t want their woman to be vocal about how sexual she is in a way that shows she is very comfortable with her sexuality. That’s too powerful. However, they do want her to be sexually adventurous in private. But act like a wide-eyed virgin in public. I’m sure this is all over porn as well. This is not sexually empowering for the woman. It’s submissive and upholds male domination by telling us we can only be sexual in an obedient way and not in a way that’s about our own pleasure.

People like to make judgment and assumptions, especially around sexual topics.

“She’s a slut, a harlot, stupid for revealing so much.” “I definitely don’t want to date her.” “I definitely want to talk to her.” “She’s off her rocker.” Just because you’re choosing to be sexually conservative doesn’t mean you’re a better person. Being sexually uptight or freaky is opposite sides of the same coin. It’s just the former tends to judge more.

 

My Blog’s Mission

I share because I care.

I don’t reveal things because I enjoy flashing my life struggles. I don’t get off on that. I actually don’t get enjoyment out of listing my sexual ‘discoveries’ or ‘mistakes.’ As much as it may seem like it. I don’t like groups and am terrified of being on stage. I understand some people will always like to gawk. I can’t help that.

I share because I care. Because I hope through my stories—and through the details—that other young women will see that however their feeling is OK. It’s OK to discover, to try things, figure out what works and doesn’t work. Not because someone told you but because you got to try it for yourself. There are things I haven’t tried. I have never been interested in drugs. It’s just not me. And I don’t think I’m better because I don’t. But I did go all out for someone I loved. Would I do it again? Hell no. But I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t done it.

I certainly don’t have all the answers. And I’m certainly not saying every decision I choose to make is right. But what I cherish most about my life and always will is the freedom to try things. Chinese girls didn’t get to do that a hundred years ago. I’ll always be grateful for that. The freedom to pursue my own happiness. Whatever it is, was, or will be.

This whole blog is an experiment. It’s a journey.

It’s my first time. I’ve been doing it for two years. And I don’t know what I’m doing with it. People’s blogs start becoming ‘known’ after a decade. I didn’t know people blogged a decade ago, but apparently some did. You hear about them and then you see their archives goes back to before the internet started. That’s how long it took them to build it up to where you found them today.

This whole process is an exciting journey full of discoveries. And learning about myself and what I care to stand for. It’s when you’re attacked or hated or criticized that you learn what you really believe in.

I am not my blog.

I am not my blog. No matter how many times I say it it doesn’t seem to sink in— I am not my blog. I know it may seem really tempting to assume, but you don’t know me simply from reading what I wrote over the last couple of years. Or what I wrote yesterday. People have gotten the wrong impressions and made assumptions about me from reading. Just because I write about sexual stuff, analyzing my self, talking about discovering my sexual, usually inhibited, self does not mean I’m horny all the time. It doesn’t even mean I want to have sex all the time. It doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you. It means only that I felt or thought that once at that moment in time. It doesn’t mean I’m permanently like that or I feel that now or even tomorrow. The blog is actually not everything that I am. But back to what I am.

My mission is:

To share my personal stories, successes, but mostly struggles with other women so they realize they’re not alone in how they’re feeling. Whether it’s sexual unhappiness—they don’t want sex with their boyfriend (top search to my blog), feel pressured by boyfriend, depressed, lonely, don’t have other Asian women girlfriends to talk to. Whatever you’re feeling is OK.

Going after your dreams is a good thing. What else is there? Fear is understandable just don’t let it be debilitating. Look at your worst fear—it’s most likely unrealistic. You have to —you get to— trust yourself. Keep going after what you want. Even if people tell you you’re crazy. Don’t let family, friends, boyfriends stifle you. Everyone has their own personal agendas and their fear controlling them.

It’s not about ‘perfection’ or ‘success.’ It’s about trying and finding out what makes you happy. A lot of women don’t know what makes them happy. Maybe you have one small thing. Start there. You get to remember your own significance. You’re the only reliable person you can always count on to look out for yourself and your own happiness.

 

Questions: Do you do one thing everyday that makes you happy? What are you afraid people will judge you about?

 

Related Links:

How Am I Shy AND Open About Sex? (Part 1)

How Much to Reveal Online

My Letter of Warning for New Interested Men Out There

 

  • from the sea

    this is a great post,gives meaning & substance to whole blog

  • Anonymous

    There is a key difference to experimenting and putting yourself in danger. Your last blog talked about you sinking into the Sugar Baby / Sugar Daddy world with a guy 25 years older, with a wife, keeping things discreet. There is a vast difference in being able to explore and being self-destructive.

    I have really enjoyed reading your blog since I found it earlier this month. But you seem to have moved from one extreme to another. Sure, you are not your blog. But what’s the point of telling people these things that you have done, when you have not owned up to them? You say you are making mistakes. Great. That is a part of life. But are you learning from your mistakes? I did not get that impression at all.

    You talked about your fetish for older men a while back. You talked about your abusive ex. You talked about a lot of relationship problems. Yet you have never talked about how you are looking for a healthy relationship. Each post is more and more about you making the same mistake over and over again.

    So tell me, how is this a good thing? Is your blog’s mission to be out there so other girls (like me) are able to think, “Hey! I fucked up, but so did she. Oh well.” ?

    There is no point in making the same mistake over and over. I sincerely hope that is not what you are doing, as I have really been touched by your writings. I hope you get over your depression and move on from your mistakes.

    Sex is very addictive, and I have been in unhealthy and addictive relationships plenty of times in my life. I have a lot of help and support and it is still very very hard. But one step at a time, as I am picking myself up from my own dark place. I hope it works out for you as well.

    I am not sure if you are religious, but I am a devout Catholic, and have been finding solace in St. Augustine’s “Confessions”. Whether you are religious or not, you should check it out. He is somewhat a male version of you. Made many mistakes, and is taking responsibility for them.

    Keep on writing!

    • http://twitter.com/HungryFeminist Ana Cosma

      “Yet you have never talked about how you are looking for a healthy relationship. Each post is more and more about you making the same mistake over and over again.” immediately recognize it and logically deal with it > IMMEDIATELY rectify the situation> move on to become perfect, happy people full of sunshine and butterflies. This simply doesn’t happen with complicated issues such as sex and relationships.

      • Anonymous

        Hi Ana,

        I really don’t get that feeling from her though. Yes, she is very honest about her struggles, and I know sex and relationships are not easy. I have had my fair share of complications in my life as well. You are absolutely right on so many points though. Life does not work
        that way and is never easy. But what good is pointless struggle?

        But the way Shiuan writes, especially the last post, makes it sound as if she is enjoying everything that she is doing, and this post is a defense for her actions. It’s like a child saying “I do what I want!”. Without really thinking about the consequences, or any action to suggest that she knows what she did is not optimal.

        What really disturbs me is the lack of any evidence that Shiuan thinks she is doing some thing wrong. Yes, she is trying to figure things out on her own. But is she really? Or is she all caught up in the fun of the moment to not think about what she really needs? For me, it sounds like the latter.

        What I am afraid of is the example it sets. As a (relative) young woman, I definitely see the value of her blog and honesty, which is why I am a fan. But would it encourage young women to make mistakes and just say “Fuck it, this is a sexist double standard. I am just figuring life out!”?

        Yes, there is a sexist double standard. But guys who do the same are just as bad as girls who do the same as well. Whether society vilifies or exalts you does not change that fact.

        I hope readers will take from this blog not only Shiuan’s openness and honesty in her struggles, but also ways to stop dwelling in misery. That, I believe, is what truly empowers me as a woman. Being able to be perfectly happy by myself, not because of a man. Being able to satisfy myself sexually without feeling desperate. Being able to not be lonely and feel like I am missing something because I do not have a man.

        That is what I hope for Shiuan too, but alas, she does not seem to be at that point yet. As I am writing, I guess one of my frustrations is that I am rooting for her, as her mistakes are similar to mine. But I want a happy ending, and I don’t see that in sight.

        • E. Maggard

          life is kind of about figuring things out. I mean really, isn’t that what its about? One of my close friends is 78, and that’s actually one of her fav phrases” I’m just figuring this thing out.” Remember, you are reading a window- I love that her mistakes lead her to surfing, to a new adventure, and she pretty much rolls with it. What would you rather her be doing, beating herself up saying mea culpa? Listing the self help ways in which she could enrich her life an make it better? Because if that’s what people are reading and looking for in here, I’ll be the first to go ahead and say Fuck that for Shiuan. Grab your board and hit the water girl, there’s nothing here for you. That is society forcing women into a forced fairy tale ending, and people let me tell you, life is a cruel mistress, she doesn’t care if you are perfect. If you sit at the desk making a lesson plan for you life, you’ll end up missing it.

          • Anonymous

            I’d rather see her working on being happy, which is what you are supposed to do after a breakup. But no, instead she is sleeping around and trying to fuck her way through her problems, like most asshole guys I know.

            How about loving yourself instead of running from your problems?

        • http://twitter.com/HungryFeminist Ana Cosma

          Hmmm. Perhaps we just have different interpretations of some of her writing though. But at least we can both agree that we want awesome feminist bloggers to be happy and progress.

          • Anonymous

            Yes indeed!

  • AAguy

    Hello Ms. Butler. I am an Asian-American man who has been following your blog posts since I saw your name from 8asians. I have never posted a comment until now, and would greatly appreciate a response from you.

    I enjoyed reading your blogs, and your emotional journey through all this. One thing I wanted to ask is why have you, as you are making mistakes, gravitate towards more and more dangerous sex?

    I have read your ebook, and I loved it. But from there, I gathered that you were not very happy in high school, and your ex-husband was the one who showed you a lot of excitement. Then, it went on to your abusive ex.

    You also went on to say your casual sex days and how you got various infections and felt completely shitty being used. Now, you are a sugar baby with a much older man, and have gotten some very interesting sexual experiences.

    A lot of girls I know, especially Asian-Americans, are in this same boat (sugar babies for older white guys). Their “exotic” nature is what older white americans love. The girls love older men in general. I seem to see a very strong pattern between your sexual experiences and the people I know. But you are a lot more honest, and I would really like to know more about why you made the choices you did. Is it healthy? Are you just exploring the limits of your sexuality? Why do you think so many girls are choosing to explore the “darker” side of sex with older men? Do you have any regrets?

    • Anonymous

      Not sure how this is relevant to her blog…

    • shiuanbutler

      Thanks for being a loyal reader AAguy since I know I wasn’t portrayed in the best light at 8asians at that time. I’m not scared to explore different relationships and feelings especially when it is being genuine and honest in a relationship. I really like getting to really know someone as I find humans and human nature fascinating, when they’re not arrogant or annoying of course. (Ha kinda kidding). Hope I answered your questions in recent post.

      • AAguy

        8asians, and other AA communities in the US, are very clichy. You raised some good points and I am happy to see someone who is not blowing every other AA’s trumpet for a change. I do not think you were portrayed in a bad light. They were just being defensive.

        Yes, you have, and thank you for your response.

        • http://www.shiuanbutler.com Shiuan

          Thanks AAguy! Appreciate it.

  • LanellBeckles

    Why is that women always want what they can’t have? Why sparks women to say, “THAT is the man I want,” instead of “I met a man and he was nice. I’ll give him a try.” Shiuan, the fact that you pointed out that you want a man that is unavailable to you is baffling to me. Doesn’t a light bulb go off and say, walk away. Or better yet, enter him into “the friend zone.” Women do that all the time. What makes the unavailable man different? Just had to ask Shiuan. Not attacking you, just curious.

    • truth hurts

      What makes you think she cares? She is already a prostitute by her own admission (sugar baby but they LIKE each other). She even said, “Meanwhile it feels really good and I’d rather deal with the consequences later.”

      • LanellBeckles

        Careful…we aren’t all saints. A lil indulgence is good for EVERYONE.I’m pretty sure alot of us would like to be SOMEONE’S sugar daddy. It’s just some people have that luxury and some don’t. You know, like good looks, something to offer, desires, or just plain ol’ sex. Be nice…

        • truth hurts

          Didn’t mean to be mean but it came out that way. Sorry. No offense meant.

          But really? Have you wanted to be a sugar daddy or sugar baby? I think it speaks more about you than the author.

  • Adam

    I don’t understand how some previous commenters infer that Ms. Butler’s current love life is especially “dangerous” unless they’re diluting the term to include some kind of moralistic danger. It doesn’t sound like she is going through a huge number of sexual partners right now.

    • a fan

      I can’t speak for them, but I think it is because of the nature of a sugar daddy relationship that is inherently dangerous. It’s not the number of partners, rather the nature of the “relationship”

      • shiuanbutler

        Hi fan! Dangerous to whom?

        Shiuan

    • shiuanbutler

      Thank you Adam.

      Shiuan

      • Adam

        You’re welcome. Just to clarify, I also don’t consider your latest reports especially moralistically dangerous.

        And, while I’m writing, I’d like to say thanks to you, because I think confessional writers like you make our society a more pleasant one to live in and probably contribute to many people’s mental health more than you’ll ever know.

        • shiuanbutler

          That was great to wake up to… thanks.