Some of you may have noticed I took down the last post, My First Cunnilingus Orgasm, Prostate Massage and Other Transformative Discoveries, for the last 24 hours. Because I wasn’t sure I wanted to reveal that much. I’ve actually revealed plenty revealing stuff in the last two years. It’s just now it’s more popular than ever. The sexual content freaked some people out. And choices I made. Like they’ve never fucked up this bad.
I have a few points I’d like to make regarding:
Sexual Double Standard
My Blog’s Mission
People really like to judge.
I don’t know if it makes them feel better. To put others down. It makes them feel better about where their own life is lacking. They like to think they’re better than others. Kind of like Rachel Lynde in Anne of Green Gables (one of my favorite books ever). Some people like to gossip as their major form of entertainment.
I understand when I reveal as much as I do—and I understand I reveal a lot —and just because I choose to reveal about really private things doesn’t mean it’s easy for me— but it’s easy for people to stand outside looking in and say gosh that’s horrible, I would never do something like that, I can’t believe she would stoop that low, what a horrible role model, etc. That’s why people like to keep a lot of their life private. Because people feel it gives others power. Power to judge, condemn, criticize, feel superior. For me, I’ve decided that’s not real power. That’s simply a fake, self-puffed up feeling of superiority.
I have always done what I wanted to do.
When I was little my mom didn’t approve of how I dressed. It wasn’t girly enough. In college I majored in Asian American Studies. Again, not very practical. Then I got married to a guy. Then I got divorced. Then I moved to Hawaii to surf. On the outside, seemingly crazy, nonsensical, rash things to do. But I’m such a calm, rational person, mostly. It’s easier to judge when you don’t know much about the person or the details of the situation. I understand I didn’t put a lot of details into the last controversial post. My head was swimming, understandably, from it all still and it was a broad stroke over things that could each have been their own post. And maybe I will later.
You don’t learn when you do things based on what other people tell you to do.
You just don’t. You also tend to grow resentful or angry later on when you’ve based your decisions on what others think you should do and it didn’t turn out the way you wanted. You don’t get to blame yourself either if it didn’t work out in the end. But you really learn the most when you make decisions based on your own thinking.
I’m trying to figure something out. And I’m not the kind of person to not explore things.
If I was I would never have moved to Hawaii and found the love of my life (surfing). I like to take risks and I like going to the depths and exploring feeling things. That’s just how I am. I’d rather live and experience life to the fullest than shy away from things because some people think it’s not the ‘correct’ thing to do.
There are no ‘shoulds.’
People will want to tell you what you ‘should’ be doing your whole life, from when you’re little til you die. You shouldn’t eat dirt, shouldn’t get your dress dirty, shouldn’t perm your hair, shouldn’t sing at the table, shouldn’t say the word ‘suck’ (my dad), shouldn’t have sex at home (also my dad), shouldn’t buy new clothes, shouldn’t ‘party,’ shouldn’t get married, shouldn’t move to Hawaii when you’re young, yada yada yada. People love telling other people what they should do.
Similar to judgment it seems to make people feel better. Or it comes from a place of fear. They think they’re doing you a favor but they’re just trying to scare you or it’s because they’re scared. Of what may happen to you if you don’t take their advice. They’re telling you don’t do things they’d never do because it scares them. And they think it’s ‘wrong.’ I had a girl friend in college who was hurrying to get married before her dad died. Very filial. But I could never do something like that for my parents. I’ve always felt a strong compulsion to live my life for myself. Thankfully neither my mom nor dad laid a big guilt trip on me to do so.
(Yes I have done plenty of things for other people and men in the past, including getting married. However, not for my parents. Maybe my mom modeled that when she abandoned me. Not cool to be abandoned, but I also learned you need to put yourself first.)
An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
One of my favorite quotes. By Niels Bohr. There are no such things as mistakes, only discoveries. Because ‘mistakes’ has the connotation that it should not have been done. When it’s just another step in life. No we’re not perfect. Yes we’re going to fuck up. Yes that is life and what makes it so fun.
I want to and get to figure things out for myself and not do things just because someone told me what I ‘should’ do.
I know I learn most when I get to make my own discoveries. Even if B was a ‘mistake’ and I chose A because people told me to, I will never learn the life lessons that B path would have taught me. I would simply have gone down A path and not gained anything from it. Except learning how to follow rules. And that’s not who I want to be. Someone who is very good at following rules. Barf.
The Sexual Double Standard
Men can be overtly sexual, and they’re considered awesome. But if women are, then we’re branded as sluts.
My friend is part of the new anthology, Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the stories that kept us small. Men can throw their sexual prowess around, be a ‘playboy’, and be considered desirable, sexy, and oh so cool. But while a woman can play with the borderline of being powerful and sexy, she certainly can’t advertise the fact that she’s been with a lot of people the way men can with their conquers and tallies. There’s a condemnation and judgment there. The scarlett letter. The ‘should’ that it’s not ‘ladylike.’
Men don’t like their women to be powerfully sexual in public.
Or sexually powerful. They don’t want their woman to be vocal about how sexual she is in a way that shows she is very comfortable with her sexuality. That’s too powerful. However, they do want her to be sexually adventurous in private. But act like a wide-eyed virgin in public. I’m sure this is all over porn as well. This is not sexually empowering for the woman. It’s submissive and upholds male domination by telling us we can only be sexual in an obedient way and not in a way that’s about our own pleasure.
People like to make judgment and assumptions, especially around sexual topics.
“She’s a slut, a harlot, stupid for revealing so much.” “I definitely don’t want to date her.” “I definitely want to talk to her.” “She’s off her rocker.” Just because you’re choosing to be sexually conservative doesn’t mean you’re a better person. Being sexually uptight or freaky is opposite sides of the same coin. It’s just the former tends to judge more.
My Blog’s Mission
I share because I care.
I don’t reveal things because I enjoy flashing my life struggles. I don’t get off on that. I actually don’t get enjoyment out of listing my sexual ‘discoveries’ or ‘mistakes.’ As much as it may seem like it. I don’t like groups and am terrified of being on stage. I understand some people will always like to gawk. I can’t help that.
I share because I care. Because I hope through my stories—and through the details—that other young women will see that however their feeling is OK. It’s OK to discover, to try things, figure out what works and doesn’t work. Not because someone told you but because you got to try it for yourself. There are things I haven’t tried. I have never been interested in drugs. It’s just not me. And I don’t think I’m better because I don’t. But I did go all out for someone I loved. Would I do it again? Hell no. But I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t done it.
I certainly don’t have all the answers. And I’m certainly not saying every decision I choose to make is right. But what I cherish most about my life and always will is the freedom to try things. Chinese girls didn’t get to do that a hundred years ago. I’ll always be grateful for that. The freedom to pursue my own happiness. Whatever it is, was, or will be.
This whole blog is an experiment. It’s a journey.
It’s my first time. I’ve been doing it for two years. And I don’t know what I’m doing with it. People’s blogs start becoming ‘known’ after a decade. I didn’t know people blogged a decade ago, but apparently some did. You hear about them and then you see their archives goes back to before the internet started. That’s how long it took them to build it up to where you found them today.
This whole process is an exciting journey full of discoveries. And learning about myself and what I care to stand for. It’s when you’re attacked or hated or criticized that you learn what you really believe in.
I am not my blog.
I am not my blog. No matter how many times I say it it doesn’t seem to sink in— I am not my blog. I know it may seem really tempting to assume, but you don’t know me simply from reading what I wrote over the last couple of years. Or what I wrote yesterday. People have gotten the wrong impressions and made assumptions about me from reading. Just because I write about sexual stuff, analyzing my self, talking about discovering my sexual, usually inhibited, self does not mean I’m horny all the time. It doesn’t even mean I want to have sex all the time. It doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you. It means only that I felt or thought that once at that moment in time. It doesn’t mean I’m permanently like that or I feel that now or even tomorrow. The blog is actually not everything that I am. But back to what I am.
My mission is:
To share my personal stories, successes, but mostly struggles with other women so they realize they’re not alone in how they’re feeling. Whether it’s sexual unhappiness—they don’t want sex with their boyfriend (top search to my blog), feel pressured by boyfriend, depressed, lonely, don’t have other Asian women girlfriends to talk to. Whatever you’re feeling is OK.
Going after your dreams is a good thing. What else is there? Fear is understandable just don’t let it be debilitating. Look at your worst fear—it’s most likely unrealistic. You have to —you get to— trust yourself. Keep going after what you want. Even if people tell you you’re crazy. Don’t let family, friends, boyfriends stifle you. Everyone has their own personal agendas and their fear controlling them.
It’s not about ‘perfection’ or ‘success.’ It’s about trying and finding out what makes you happy. A lot of women don’t know what makes them happy. Maybe you have one small thing. Start there. You get to remember your own significance. You’re the only reliable person you can always count on to look out for yourself and your own happiness.
Questions: Do you do one thing everyday that makes you happy? What are you afraid people will judge you about?