Earlier this week I asked you, my readers, to send in questions. Please continue to do so and I will answer them in my Sunday posts. I’m looking forward to an ongoing back and forth! Meanwhile here are a couple questions and my answers:
Question: To Pursue or Be Pursued
“Hey there. You said you wanted questions…..so I wanted to ask you about one of your dating tips:
‘1. Never Chase the Guy: [From Shiuan's Guide to Online Dating] You don’t want to be the one chasing the guy. If he likes you enough— and if he’s smart he’ll realize how awesome you are—he should be chasing you. Do not use the excuse, oh maybe he’s just shy and I should help him out— No. Do you want to date a guy who doesn’t even have enough confidence or guts to pursue someone he likes? We’re not in middle school anymore. If he can’t go for what he wants, then you don’t want him. At least, I don’t.’
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it seems to me that the idea that women should never pursue men, and that they should wait instead to be pursued (thus taking on a more passive role), seems a wee bit sexist and very outdated. By that same token, as I am currently in the dating world, I want to be both realistic AND feminist. It is also not in the nature of my personality to be passive (particularly when I see something I want), so this idea is just personally frustrating to me on a personal level, as well as on a feminist level. What are your thoughts?”
Great question. To pursue or to be pursued. Of course, it’s not that simple. Recently I’ve been getting into Mama Gena books. There’s the Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. And then also, Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men. In the latter I was reading about how we are always leading men in some form even if it’s not obvious. You can ‘pursue’ someone you’re interested in by showing them you’re interested or even initiating contact with the person. You can also lead him part of the way and then see if he takes the hint and asks you out. If you do all of the work in the beginning, planning the date, asking him out, etc, then you’re most likely setting the groundwork for the rest of the relationship. Unless of course you don’t mind leading and planning throughout the rest of the relationship. Otherwise don’t start that precedent.
Men like a chase and you also want to be sure that they feel you are worth it to be pursued. If you give them that opening and they don’t grab it, then you know there is some reason they are being reluctant. Take that as a clue. Either they’re not sure you’re worth it, or they have their own personal issues they’re still working out, or maybe they’re scared. Either way, if you have already given them the opportunity and they are not ‘man’ enough or confident enough to pursue it while they have the chance then they’re not worth pursuing or waiting around for.
Question: I love my boyfriend but don’t want sex with him.
“Hi thanks so much for your blog. None of my girlfriends understand how I feel. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, we are 20 yrs old. I have had sexual relationships (2) before him. I’m not sure why but I’m never in the mood to have sex. He will do everything that would get me in the mood but never works. We go like 2-3 months without having sex, I feel so terrible. I admire other good looking males and get in the mood just thinking about having sex with them. I don’t know what to do because I do love him and I have never been in a relationship this long before so I don’t know if it’s normal. Please help??
Thanks so much!!”
I wrote a post called, When You Don’t Want Sex With Your Boyfriend (Part 1) with several tips in there. One question I have is, do you two live together? That somehow seems to kill in the mood in my experience and from what I’ve seen. If you do live together and/or spend a lot of time together, consider getting away or otherwise start spending a good amount of time with your girlfriends. You need to do things that break up the monotony or routine you’ve gotten in while being together the last three years.
Do something different in bed. Whether it’s mutual masturbation, pamper yourself and put on something sexy, or have him give you a massage, try something you guys don’t usually do in bed. Or have a change of scenery. You need to really change things up so you don’t fall into a predictable and thus, unromantic, pattern. Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, spontaneous, in the moment—not rote, patterned, or polite.
What is your wildest fantasy? Tell your boyfriend and ask him to role play it with you. You need to step out of your comfort zone and try new things if you want to shake this ‘tired of your boyfriend’ thing.
Go out dancing together. Have a fun date together doing something you always wanted to do but never did. You need to go back to the beginning when it was still honeymoony and remember when it felt like you were the only people in the universe.
Let me know how it goes!
* * *
Recently I’ve been having lots of fun. I’ve been focused on pursuing having lots of fun. This Thanksgiving my mom didn’t feel like driving down to Boston to see me. (She’s been depressed from being unemployed for so long.) So instead I took the train up to Poughkeepsie and visited a girlfriend, whom I just met, and her 3 kids. I barely knew her but I knew enough—that she had a great positive vibe and she generously invited me up to her rural home. And I wanted rural, i.e. fresh air. Which while NYC has almost everything for everyone, we do not have FRESH air.
So I took a train 1.5 hours upstate to visit someone I had spoke to for a few minutes. I had the time of my life for 2.5 days. I hung out with her 3 young kids and had a blast. Why would you want to babysit someone else’s kids for free on your holiday? I woke up to little boys singing and playing guitar and pillow fighting and tossing them around. I talked to the 9 year-old daughter about surfing. I talked and laughed tons with my girlfriend about men and g-spots and short men and asking for what we want. And then we wrapped it up with 7 hours in a Korean spa she surprised me with for free! (She asked me what I wanted to do. I reminded myself to say what I wanted even though I felt bad about the 1.5 hour drive to get there. Of course we talked and laughed the whole way there anyways!)
I learned that being a mom doesn’t have to be pain and misery all the time. She somehow whipped out a turkey dinner in 15 minutes—we had each of the three kids contribute sprinkling and pouring stuff on the turkey, though I had to pull them away from the TV—and while the turkey baked for 5 hours we went out for a gorgeous hike by the Hudson River. She even generously gave away a free turkey and canned goods to her unemployed tenant upstairs. Did I mention we were walking around in coats and blankets because she didn’t get get oil until the time I was leaving? So I took a hot bath in her jacuzzi tub every morning with cherry blossom candles. I discovered that roosters can be just gorgeous. And I jumped around with the kids on their trampoline which I haven’t done since I was 10.
I could have freaked out that I’m running out of savings in a mere few weeks. I could have been unhappy in the cold, messy house and with the chaos. I could have been sad and upset that my mom was too depressed to sit in a car for a few hours to come see her only daughter.
But I have been having so much fun ever since I got on my positive vibe kick 8 days ago. I have been ‘pursuing pleasure’ as Mama Gena calls it. I like to think of it as focusing on fun and also believing in the law of attraction. You manifest whatever your thoughts are. Yes, money is important. And I want to make a lot of money. (I am also excited to read Overcoming Underearning: A Simple Guide to a Richer Life by Barbara Stanny). But meanwhile it doesn’t mean that I need to freak out and worry constantly and hate my life. I will never get to amassing money that way. Thank you M for modeling being a content and silly mom and focusing on your own pleasure, even while going through a divorce with a slacker husband and facing the unknown!
I have also been throwing my fears out the window. I still have them underneath. But I’ve been acting in spite of them. Instead I’ve been doing three things:
1. Defensive Dating
2. Pursuing Men
3. Setting my goal of getting a good partner.
Defensive dating is when you don’t put all your eggs in one basket and you go out with multiple guys at once. I’ve done that in the past, but for the last few months I’ve been getting really caught up with individual men. It’s been a bit exhausting. And while I’m waiting for a good relationship, I still want to have good sex. But I don’t want to get too obsessed with one person, especially if I’m not going to get into a real relationship with them anyways. So it’s good to have a few of them to have fun with and not get myself too worked up over one unnecessarily.
In spite of my many and random concerns, I have decided to go back to pursuing men again. I have written off most guys for fear of something or other. What if he wants to get back with me? What if I do something I’ll regret later? I don’t want to cheat on his girlfriend or annoy the wife more. But I’ve since decided to stop avoiding things simply because I’m scared. I’ve decided to stop taking responsibility for other people’s decisions. If they have an open thing then I’m not doing anything wrong. Period. AND to pursue what I think is fun and also be sure to:
1. Only say yes to when I really mean it.
2. Ask for what I want.
3. Accept what people want to give me.
So far it’s been really fun and really liberating. Sometimes I think I’m being flighty or ditzy or naively trusting. But then I think, hey, I’ve done the cynical, being-pessimistic-is-realistic thing for long enough. I should at least give this a try for a while!
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Question: Send me more of your questions!