Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler

Category Archives: Feminism

I Don’t “DO” Boyfriends

May 3rd, 2012

Where I remember all the good in our relationship while trying to hold on to what I want.

 

For the longest time, while I was single and dating in New York (City) when people asked me if I had a boyfriend, that was my response— I don’t “do” boyfriends. I thought I was very cool and it was mostly true. My heart was still shredded from the last abusive boyfriend and though I was looking to have fun, I was still being very protective of myself and basically kept getting involved in short-lived affairs (not real affairs) that I knew deep-down wouldn’t go anywhere.

 

When the BF and I first got together a year and a half ago we were in honeymoon bliss. After our first coffee meeting to discuss ideas for my company, I asked him for some moving help. He agreed to help me pick up craigslist furniture from different parts of the city for my new empty apartment. He was such a good sport about it all — even putting together my huge bed frame all by himself while I ran out to class — and even came back the next day with cut up fruit in tupperware, where he found me semi-unconscious in my 100 degree, 5th floor apartment. (That day he helped me drag home a new A/C.)

 

It all started out so hunky-dory as they all do. I didn’t see his temper flare-up until the first time at his parents’. And the sex issues also came months later. But as a break from focusing on all the bad, and considering today is also our 1 year and 9 month anniversary, I decided to list some of the good (and cheesy — which as I talk about in my ebook is very good):

 

The Good and Cheesy:

1. We have kept a journal chronicling our relationship and memories, filled with tickets and memorabilia, since almost the very beginning. We keep it by our bedside tables and take turns writing entries back and forth. (There’s even an entry from the first time I asked him to leave and he wrote a tear-jerking letter about things to keep in mind after we’re broken up.)

2. We take 95% of our showers together. We have this showerhead that is not at the end of the bathtub as are most shower heads but in the middle. Thus making it somewhat easier to take showers with two people — still less convenient but he lets me hog the water most of the time.

3. He washes my mouthguard daily. Yes, seems oh so minor and gross but it’s now become a ritual that I take for granted.

4. We generally watch movies and TV shows that I want to watch. (One time I agreed to finally watch something he liked. We ended up watching WWE which I could only stand for half an hour until the violence was too much. Then we had a fight about it, but I digress.)

5. We do most things together. And now that we’re working on the company we work together, run errands and buy groceries together.

6. Oftentimes when one person is cooking or doing the dishes the other person will sit in the kitchen to keep the other person company.

7. There have been several times when I’ve woken up in the middle of the night — either due to a nightmare or food poisoning — and woke him up and he held me while letting me talk and cry.

8. He takes me out and spends money on me that he doesn’t necessarily have.

9. I’ll sit on the edge of the bathtub while he’s poo-ing on the toilet and we’ll discuss work-things or our day.

10. He doesn’t want to give up on this relationship though we’ve been having more and more fights. He doesn’t want to let it go.

 

So we got into another fight in the middle of writing this blog post. He’s talked about having a ‘break’ and seeing other people. I don’t want to date other people I just want to have some space from each other so we can hopefully get some ‘perspective’ and ‘clarity’ on things and figure out how we really feel and what we want. I just know I felt so calm and peaceful when I had last weekend to myself. I did lots of yoga and read Tony Hsieh’s book on Zappos and just enjoyed being in the apartment by myself. It’s just really hard for me to ask him to give me space and stay my ground when he doesn’t want to.

Why I Don’t Want Sex With My Boyfriend

April 29th, 2012

Where I talk about how sex is attached to so many different things — when we want or don’t want sex, it really means much more than just the sex.

 

This is a hard post for me to write, for many reasons. I don’t want to give the BF a bad rap. At the same time I’m talking about it because I don’t think there are enough conversations out there that are this open, this blunt about how relationships really are. We don’t all have the same struggles, but there are similar themes. But when they aren’t pleasant most people don’t want to admit or talk about it. It can feel shameful, humiliating, embarrassing. No wonder most Facebook updates are fun, positive things. (I never know am I supposed to ‘like’ a sad thing?) But I digress.

 

I am writing this to share ALL of the aspects of being in a relationship, the good and the hard stuff. There are rarely places that talk about the nitty-gritty hard stuff. And if we hear other people having similar types of struggles then we feel a little less insane and feel a little less personal blame for it. Also, we need to remember boys are raised to be compulsive around sex, generally, and women to be inhibited, generally. For heterosexual relationships, you can see why there might be a bit of a problem here, in addition to whatever unique baggage the person may carry.

 

So we’ve been having less and less sex ever since the beginning of our relationship. We used to go at it like rabbits. And it was great. I was embarrassed even talking about it with my girlfriends. We were in honeymoon bliss, but at home. And then I’m not sure how, it seemed to fade as quickly as it started. On my end. Here are my 4 guesses why: (Some of this I touch upon previously in “Why I Prefer Sex With Strangers” and “Horniness Levels”)

 

1. It’s not that I am dying to have sex with someone and just not with him — it’s that I’m perfectly content with how we are right now. We are still completely physically affectionate with one another, cuddle lots and hug. And I’m perfectly fine with that.

 

2. I can tell I still have this unfillable void to feel “wanted.” And though my BF really wants me, it somehow isn’t “enough” anymore. Fucked up, I know, but true. I feel my old desire to flirt coming back and reminisce the old days of online dating, i.e. endless attention from random strangers with no consequences or lasting relationships to deal with.

 

3. I also quit birth control pills 3 months ago (I talk about it here, “What Your Doctor Didn’t Tell You About Birth Control Pills, Part 1″) and so we’ve had to go back to using condoms. (Meanwhile I’m learning about my cycle.) OK, fine, that’s been OK, not great but sometimes we didn’t put it on as soon as we should and it really freaked me out. The more infuriating thing is that he still thought it was no big deal. Even after consulting with a girl friend expert on this he still wasn’t swayed. I think that still pisses me off and scares me inside. That’s a huge risk I’m taking and yet he’s sure nothing will happen.

 

4. I feel bad even saying this but I’m trying to be truly honest. He is not as in-shape as other guys I’ve gone out with. (This is probably also affected by my living in Hawai`i and surfing for two years.) Funny thing is I’ve gone out with plenty of older white guys who were not in good shape (trust me). And yet it didn’t seem to bother me obviously. Which now that I think about it, might have to do with me liking being a novelty for them (translation= young, hot, oriental thing) so I overlooked the buff part. Weird, irrational, I know. At any rate, since the bf is not old nor white, I guess it bothers me more. Also the fact that he would used to comment on my looks all the time started making me mad. He loves how in-shape I am, but doesn’t feel the need or desire to be in shape himself. (Since he got plenty of hot, tall, skinny girls before — why work out? Which is sexism itself. Double standards hello.)

 

I’ll also add that this is just one side, my side, of the story because it’s my blog, yay. Maybe I led him on in the beginning and I shouldn’t have been so sexual because I wasn’t later. Who knows. Although honesty can be a hard thing to face, in oneself and one’s partner, I think that’s the best way to move forward. At this point, I’m stumped myself how we will be able to resolve this. Sometimes I think I’m just not ready to live with a boyfriend for quite some time. (I think that kills my sex drive somehow.) It’s a process and meanwhile I’m grateful to have the opportunity to grow together, to try to figure it out and to be pleased with my strong body and smart mind — no matter what mistakes I make. I’m glad I have the freedom to make my own mistakes — that’s what makes life so fun!

 

Also, I want to note, that it’s a big deal that he is OK with me writing about all of this. I don’t think he is enthused, but he doesn’t tell me no.  He says he wants me to write what I want on my blog. (He says he’ll start a blog of his own someday.) I know that’s a huge deal and I really appreciate him for that.

More Interesting Facts on the Birth Control Pill (Part 3)

April 28th, 2012

I am continuing my research and thoughts on the birth control pill, due to popular response: Our bodies’ natural cycle is sensitive and brilliant — if we would only listen and pay attention we could learn a lot!


I even designed a t-shirt in commemoration of this important journey!

 

So after I wrote my last two articles on the Pill (“What Your Doctor Didn’t Tell You About Birth Control Pills-Part 1″ and “Part 2″) I got a lot of searches to my blog regarding birth control pills. In addition to “casual sex guide” and “why I prefer sex with strangers,” questions about birth control pills was popular as well. I also met up with a girlfriend I haven’t seen in a while to discuss more and share our personal experiences on it. It’s been great! And so here’s Part 3 — more interesting facts from the book: “The Pill: Are you sure it’s for you?” by Jane Bennett & Alexandra Pope.

 

What is Natural?

Although current contraceptive pills are certainly lower in dose than those in the 60s and 70s, they’re still many times higher than our natural hormone levels. Personally, when I quit I asked my doctor to reduce my dosage, as I was scared to go cold turkey (quit immediately). I thought I was already on a low dosage — apparently I was on 30mg — and she put me on a 20mg pill for a month. The 10mg pill was much more expensive so that’s when I just quit.

“Menstrual suppression, we’re also told, is more ‘natural’ than regular cycling and will save us from some disease states like ovarian cancer.” However, why would you want to take a drug to fix an unlikely problem that you don’t have yet which its very ingredients are very likely to cause you other problems…? It’s kinda like taking more drugs to fix a problem that another drug caused. Or taking drugs to “fix” your body when one could simply live in a healthy lifestyle in the first place.

 

Our Bodies are Already Brilliant

“The Pill masks signs of reproductive health or imbalance. This creates more of a challenge for the practitioner to really be able to detect and treat any underlying balance in women on the Pill.”
- Dr. Claudia Welch

In other words, when we are having painful symptoms from our period, heavy bleeding, or even acne, this is our bodies way of telling us – Help! There’s something off here! When we take drugs to mask that, it may look like the problem is solved or gone away, but really we have essentially told our body to shut up and so the potential of a more serious symptom coming to the surface later on is more likely.

 

It’s Not a Coincidence

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that they experienced a new symptom while on the pill and then when they got off it the symptom went away, but they’re not sure it’s really related… Of course it’s related! I think many of us have not been brought up to really listen to our bodies and we think we can take a drug (like Advil or Tylenol) to solve a multitude of problems (headaches, stomachaches, swelling) without questioning what is the drug doing exactly? How is it able to ‘solve’ all these aches and pains from different reasons and origins all at once? Another Magic Pill? (Again it’s not truly solving the problem, but simply covering up the symptom— pain. Although you may not be feeling pain anymore, it does not necessarily mean that you have solved the underlying problem.)

 

Our Boyfriends Get to Be Supportive

Wonderful as some of our boyfriends are, they may still not be jumping for joy when we first tell them – Hey honey, I just found out the pill sucks! I’m getting off it! Whaddya think?? They may not be wonderfully supportive at first but they get to work to that. And meanwhile realize  their sexism is clouding their judgment. There is nothing more important than us taking care of our own bodies. How their penis might feel or the possibility of losing any “spontaneity” (another excuse to not be thoughtful) is NOT top priority.

 

Natural Contraceptive Methods: Learning About Our Bodies

Studies show that about 6 out of 10 women quit the pill within six months after trying it. As compared to women who learn about fertility awareness — gaining a true understanding of our cycle and learning when we’re fertile and when we’re not — who continue to use it for the rest of their fertile lives. How cool is that? I am just beginning to learn more about this myself and will continue to share along my  journey. There are temperature methods, where you test your temperature in your vagina (or cervix?) daily. Also, one I’ve been trying here and there, is to simply pay attention to your discharge and see how it changes throughout your cycle. Counting #1 as the day you start your period until day 30 (presumably) when you start again, paying attention to the texture, color, etc. So fascinating! Observing patterns I never noticed before.

Why Do We Need Bras?

April 24th, 2012

 

Where I talk about the supposed necessity of bras and under-wire and loving our boobs, just the way they are.

 

 

I can still remember when I was a teenager living in Boston burbs, sweeping the car-park area next to the house with my dad. It got really hot and I suddenly wanted to take my shirt off. I thought, wow how unfair it is that he can have his shirt off and I can’t.

 

I guess part of me still feels like that to this day, though I’m much too embarrassed to even walk around with my bikini apparently (all my half-naked comfortableness has since worn off leaving Hawai`i). Never mind not being able to show our boobs in public—though men can show off their man-boobs NO problem— but even having my nipples show through my shirts simply kills me, I realized. When did this start?

 

I remember trying on my first (under-wire) bra when I was 11, I believe. I was ecstatic. Wearing this thing made my boobs look at least twice its size! This societally accepted and expected thing. Sure, I’d be glad to wear it! I didn’t really see the need at that point, but even at 11 I had some concept of being “sexier” with bigger boobs.

 

Now, 21 years later, I have a whole collection of under-wire bras. I only have a couple old elastic bras that aren’t really elastic anymore. I even have a “non-under-wire” bra from Victoria’s Secret but it’s so stiff and padded that it still feels bulky.

 

There have been a couple things that have caused this new desire in me to not wear thick, padded bras:

1. A new friend—who dances—doesn’t wear them and looks great in shirts that actually show what her chest really looks like. I thought to myself, wow, well that’s how I’d look too without this big, padded thing (which you know makes everyone look the same—as if all our boobs are supposed to look big and perky like Barbie’s) and she looks great! Sexy, simple, and secure in her own body.

2. All this stand-up paddling I’ve been doing lately. I feel stronger, taller, and more confident with my body afterwards. Somehow it also corresponds with the amount of clothing I wear and more specifically showing my body and the contours of it.

 

And why aren’t we supposed to show our nipples but guys can, anyways? If you can see my nipples through my shirt then that’s supposed to mean I’m a slut or I want to be raped or something? It’s preposterous.

 

l want to be able to walk around without a corset-like structure around my chest. I’d like to be able to breathe comfortably and deeply all day without restrictions or difficulty. I want to be proud of my boobs and the way they naturally look—without the conforming shape of extra padding and metal wires to make it look like everyone else’s—and my nipples too. I want to dress the way I want to dress—comfortably—without worrying about how others may judge me, or in spite of it.

 

I want to stand up tall, chest out, and breathe deep.

I want to be strong, loving my body, just the way it is.

 

Shiuan’s Guide to Online Dating (for Women)

April 18th, 2012

My top 5 rules for online dating:

1. Don’t chase.
2. Don’t give up your power.
3. Don’t drink.
4. Get out from behind the computer.
5. Don’t trust.

 

Recently I spoke with a girlfriend about how dating now is so different from let’s say 15 years ago. Dating is different, and online dating brings with it a whole new set of challenges and a whole ‘nother game unfortunately. But if you learn how to play it right, you might just beat ‘em at their own game.

 

Here are my top rules for online dating—for women:

 

1. Never Chase the Guy

You don’t want to be the one chasing the guy. If he likes you enough— and if he’s smart he’ll realize how awesome you are—he should be chasing you. Do not use the excuse, oh maybe he’s just shy and I should help him out— No. Do you want to date a guy who doesn’t even have enough confidence or guts to pursue someone he likes? We’re not in middle school anymore. If he can’t go for what he wants, then you don’t want him. At least, I don’t.

 

2. Never Give the Guy the Power

How do I explain this? You don’t want to be giving him the upper hand. Ever. Because once he sees that you are desperate or clingy or will always hang out with him, immediately, whenever he asks you to then he has all the power. I.e. you have none. It’s a bit strange for us women to think of dating in this harsh, power-dynamic way. But you must learn to see it this way because this is how most men see it. In my experience. If you meet a guy who doesn’t then great. But as I always say, dating is a numbers game and you will need to date 50 men to find one decent one. So those 49 will be doing all sorts of stupid, sneaky things that you will want to be on the defense on. It’s like playing basketball—have good defense. I’m not saying you need to play games with them. I am almost always honest when dating strangers. However, you need to remember they are strangers until you can be sure that they are trustworthy. And to show you they are trustworthy they need to prove it. Meanwhile you need to date with a protective bubble around you and take everything they say with a grain of salt. If it’s a compliment—be suspicious, if it’s an insult—walk away immediately. If they criticize you so early on in the relationship, what might they do later?

 

3. Meet For Tea or Coffee During the Day (Not a Dark Bar for Drinks at Night)

Wish I had taken this advice long ago. You will be more lucid, see more clearly (in more ways than one), and this way you can get out quickly if you need to. Do you really want to meet a male stranger who’s trying to get in your pants while under the influence of alcohol?

 

4. Don’t Waste A Lot of Time Messaging Back and Forth

This is one of the top mistakes that people make in online dating— women and men. You can never really assess someone until you meet them in person. I rely on my ability to always sense people’s energy, that is very important to me. Aura or not, you get so much more meeting in person (facial expressions, body language) than online. Lies can be kept much longer in an online relationship than IRL (in real life). Trust me.

 

5. Always Assume They Want to Sleep with You— For That Matter Always Assume It’s All Lies Until Proven True

Even if they say they’re just looking for friends first. Even if they say they really are single. Even if they don’t tell you about their kids. You really need to assume everything coming out of his mouth “could” be lies until they’re proven to be true. Of course, proven is subjective and debatable but photos, friends of friends, googling, facebook, it all helps. If he lied about his height, lied about his single status, lied about his kids— don’t be too shocked. Sure, we’re all surprised when this does happen to us (if you’re a woman, it’s happened to you) but what I’m saying is we really shouldn’t be. We shouldn’t be expecting the whole male race to be low, skeevy, liars either. But  we should assume that finding a decent, truly honest person and someone who’s deserving of our friendship, and whom we have fun with is hard to find. Because they are.

 

Happy dating!

Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler