Thoughts on Marriage
After my recent experiences with some couples and conversations lately I have come up with a new marriage policy. I propose that all marriages last for a maximum of 5 years at which time the two people can decide to ‘renew’ it and/or let it lapse and essentially not be married anymore, but not necessarily need a divorce either to not be married.
Since so many people change over the years and there is such a high rate of divorce: 50% of first-time marriages in U.S. end in divorce (it’s higher for 2nd and 3rd time marriages), as compared to 1% in India. And before you say, “Oh that’s India and they’re like arranged and Asian and traditional” it’s actually 1% as of 2010 in the UK too. It’s also interesting to note at what age the couples got married who end up getting divorced— the highest rate was for women and men who married between the ages of 20-24 (~37%), while the lowest divorce rate was for men and women ages 35-39 (~6%).
Earlier this week I asked you, my readers, to send in questions. Please continue to do so and I will answer them in my Sunday posts. I’m looking forward to an ongoing back and forth! Meanwhile here are a couple questions and my answers:
Question: To Pursue or Be Pursued
“Hey there. You said you wanted questions…..so I wanted to ask you about one of your dating tips:
‘1. Never Chase the Guy: [From Shiuan's Guide to Online Dating] You don’t want to be the one chasing the guy. If he likes you enough— and if he’s smart he’ll realize how awesome you are—he should be chasing you. Do not use the excuse, oh maybe he’s just shy and I should help him out— No. Do you want to date a guy who doesn’t even have enough confidence or guts to pursue someone he likes? We’re not in middle school anymore. If he can’t go for what he wants, then you don’t want him. At least, I don’t.’
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it seems to me that the idea that women should never pursue men, and that they should wait instead to be pursued (thus taking on a more passive role), seems a wee bit sexist and very outdated. By that same token, as I am currently in the dating world, I want to be both realistic AND feminist. It is also not in the nature of my personality to be passive (particularly when I see something I want), so this idea is just personally frustrating to me on a personal level, as well as on a feminist level. What are your thoughts?”
I already wrote previously about My Top 5 rules for Online Dating:
1. Don’t chase.
2. Don’t give up your power.
3. Don’t drink.
4. Get out from behind the computer.
5. Don’t trust.
Here I want to list my Top Ten Dating Tips for Asian American Women. Sure they can be applied to most women, but it’s nice to have things just for us Asian women sometimes. So here it is!
Starting today I want to welcome questions from you, my readers, on any topic and I will answer them in a blog post at the end of the week. You can email me, message me, tweet me, facebook me, or ask in the comments section below. I look forward to hearing your questions!
I asked popular blogger and successful entrepreneur, James Altucher, if he ever regretted things he revealed online. He said he regretted most everything. But “if you didn’t reveal about yourself – if you just ranted your opinion without sharing real intimacy then you are back in the “99%”, the people who are afraid to create, to innovate, to help, to stand out, to love others enough to give something that’s hard to give away.” So here’s to giving away.
My Top Ten Most Embarrassing Things I Will Probably Regret Revealing:
1. I now have a thing for much older men. “That’s not too old.” my girlfriend told me today. Thank you, C—. But 25 years older is pretty old.
It all started with a recent new friend. We have been intimate sexually though that is not what our relationship is based on. There is a lot of trust established by now because we have talked about most everything. But we are also peers intellectually and I really enjoy our conversations and his suggestions. But somehow it has also installed this new sense of hope pinned onto older men. I can’t say attraction because it’s not the usual kind of physical attraction. But it’s this immediate hope and wondering if ‘this’ older guy—whoever it is—could be ‘the one.’ It’s all very new and disorienting.