Tag Archives: girlfriends

How Men Can Be Like Vultures

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The sweet realization that one can be friends with one’s ex—really good friends—and the startling and confusing realization that sex is again more important to me as a single person.

 

So I think I’m feeling lot better about the breakup now than the first 10 days or so. At first I couldn’t stand seeing any other happy-looking Asian couples. I immediately had to avert my gaze, but not before looking with repulsion and hate, and probably jealousy. But mostly hate. Then I’m not quite sure what happened but I noticed last night it didn’t bother me nearly as much anymore. I suddenly could feel happy for them. Or at least look with the same amount of interest or neutrality as before.

 

I think one of my biggest fears after the breakup was of losing the (ex) BF completely. That breaking up would mean we wouldn’t talk more than a couple times a year, and then only awkwardly and stilted and not like old times at all, or we’d be sworn enemies and he’d hate me forever or for at least a couple years and I would feel guilty and bad and resentful that I felt guilty and bad. At least that’s what happened in the past I guess.

 

Also another interesting thing is the sudden—but not random— appearance of male friends who have sniffed out my singledom. I know it may seem like I publish all the details of my life on my blog but even I realize my friends don’t read every word of every post. So recently a male friend IM’d me saying: “I’m so sorry (sad face)” regarding my breakup then suddenly to: “I remember you seemed to really enjoy [us hooking up]. Call me anytime to hangout or talk or whatever.” Wow. The other thing that had not changed was his non-single status. He was with a girlfriend back then when we hooked up—actually they were living together—and he’s still with a girlfriend now. Just a different one. When I asked if they were in an open relationship he replied definitely not. Oh OK, I guess only he is then…

 

I admit I myself have suddenly felt like a kid in a candy store. Going out dancing couple nights ago with girlfriends and noticing all the very beautiful looking people, or men. The kind of ironic thing is, the ex and I had amazing sex the other night. It wasn’t planned, but I knew it was because I had so much space and time apart from him that I could finally want him and miss him enough that I really wanted him. Sex was always good together but it hadn’t been that fiery for quite some time. It was nice to see that it came back so quickly—well, 2 weeks and one breakup later.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I just want to sleep with other people because I haven’t been able to for 2 years. I’ve always wanted to do whatever it was that I wasn’t supposed to. I credit my rebelliousness streak to my parents. Whatever it was they really wanted from me—go teach ESL in Taiwan, get a real job, dress more like a girl—it made me want to do the opposite all the more. So when the ex-BF wanted sex from me, wanted to spend all his time with me, and when I subconsciously told myself—now you’re not single anymore you need to stop checking out people—I’m sure I subconsciously grew resentful as well.

 

Now the question is, am I simply not ready to “settle down” yet into a monogamous relationship or just that I need to have a great, serious, smooth relationship so then I wouldn’t be looking to sleep around elsewhere? I asked a girl friend today if you can maintain a high level of sexual chemistry and lusting and that high amount of sexual tension with your regular, long-term partner? …I think the jury’s still out on that one. But I can say for sure that next time I’ll be sure to not let him move in.

Post-Breakup Void

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Where I talk about the post-breakup void and how you will feel completely devastated and most likely will bring up feelings from one’s early childhood. And it’s OK. This too shall pass.

 

Blog post soundtrack:

 

So I confess I still have a hard time saying the word breakup without stumbling over it and I somehow have less of an inclination to talk and write compared to pre-breakup. Not sure why, I can just tell. I guess before even with all the fighting there was plenty to talk about. Being upset, being angry, all of that. Now, I’m just kind of left feeling empty, disheartened, and trying hard to fight the ever-resurfacing feeling of being defeated.

 

I know theoretically the feeling of defeat is an old feeling from the past. As a little girl left with her abusive dad and his new wife while waiting for her mommy to come back, that year must have felt like eons. It’s complicated why my mom couldn’t take me with her at first when she left the country, and we’re always doing our best in any situation, but there it was. A feeling of eternity and entrapment, mixed with fear and numbness, at the age of five.

 

So now, not quite 30 years later when a serious relationship ends the old feelings of defeat are insuppressible. Looking at friends’ relationships now I feel a jealousy from the outside looking in. It seems that everyone else has peachy-king, easy relationships unlike me. I’m supposedly single now but I don’t feel like my former single self. I don’t want to date, obviously it’s so soon, and the other day trekking home with huge terracotta pots from Manhattan I remembered what it was like to be single and on my own. You have to do everything by yourself. You don’t have to, but you inevitably do. I don’t have a best friend or best girlfriend like I did when I was 8. One of my good friends is leaving NYC in fact, making me think again that we need a site for women finding female friends just as much as dating sites. Hmm.

 

All the stuff I used to do before when I was single and dating I’m not interested in doing anymore. I do miss salsa dancing, but don’t miss getting mistaken for a hooker going home after midnight (and I was all bundled up in a big winter coat, srsly). One of my former friends-with-benefits is now in a relationship, which kind of makes me feel old. And anyways, I’m really not interested in being close with any man right now. Or woman for that matter. Sigh.

 

Even if this was my decision and I know it was the right or best thing for me, I still feel so overwhelmed with grief and sadness it’s hard to say, oh well, it was the right thing to do. Life is never just A or B. I’m glad I have the freedom to do what I want as an adult, but sometimes I just wish it wasn’t so damn complicated.

 

P.S.
I don’t usually write “downer” posts. I usually try hard to maintain a hopeful attitude, IRL (in real life) and on my blog. But then I thought about it and thought, hey it’s OK, if that’s how I feel today then I want to write about it and share it. And show that that’s not the end of the world. Being sad sometimes—even feeling depressed— is normal and natural, and doesn’t automatically mean you need to be treated with drugs. As shitty as it feels, being numb is worse. It’s good to remember that.

 

On another note, I woke up with cramps… my period finally came! Am starting to read Toni Weschler’s, “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and looking forward to sharing her fascinating nuggets of knowledge soon!

Men and Wine: The Older The Better

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Where I confess my affinity for much older white men and try to get at the root and pull it out!

 

So recently I been thinking and noticed a pattern amongst the white men I tend to go for.  They tended to be at least 12 years older than me. You’d think I’d also go for Asian men that much older than me— at least their age wouldn’t show as much — but no. Shocker, but they just don’t do it for me. I didn’t always have this big age gap attraction. And I can actually  pinpoint when it first started— Montreal. Before that my exes were my age or up to four years older than me. A reasonable age gap.

 

I also should add I have this thing when I travel. I loove travel romances. I can fall in love with anyone when I’m traveling. Either it’s the daily fresh new perspective or easygoing hippie nature I adopt when I’m out roaming the world I’m not sure.

 

When I went to Montreal I was 29. I was introduced to him through a female acquaintance. I was less than enthused when I first saw his round, bald head and then when I learned his age even less. However everything changed after dinner when we walked back to His Motorcycle and he offered me a ride home. That was all I needed. I don’t mind Santa Claus— if he has A Motorcycle. So off we went and rode around until late into the night after which by then I had started plotting delaying my departure.

 

I extended my trip for days. He had a beautiful 2 level elegant simple apartment with sleek designs and so many skateboard longboards and he also raced, like the luge—but not on ice— of which he also had a few. He was a professor of urban planning with a French accent. I swear he stole my bra though he never admitted to it. And we had crazy sex where he tried to use some kind of force or domination which I didn’t like but probably turned me on. I think we got into an argument about it the very first time. Oh, and he also drank a lot.

 

Those were my crazy days. OK, so that wasn’t the only time. But I know that’s when my Thing With Older Men started. He may have been 39 or 42. The girl had lied to me about his age. Figure that.

 

After him there were others. My good friend from Boston who had liked me ever since we met at age 18 ( he was 30) and we dated/hooked up for a while when I was 30. There was a guy in NYC also 42 who was very nice and a good end-of-the-day companion and never hounded me for sex (though he wasn’t there to help me move either). And then, the oldest, in Hawai’i 2-3 years ago who was closer to my dad’s age than to mine. Tried to explain that one to my mom. Another tall older white guy with a tummy, high school teacher, and the first to share stand up paddling with me. And a recent on and off crush— also white and 12 years older. Hmm…

 

So with the ex-BF he really did break the mold in many ways. He was Asian, younger than me, not tough buff or macho. No, he was silly, could make me laugh constantly and unfashionably dorky. Our big joke was that his head was exactly twice the size of mine. Though we were together less than 2 years it feels much longer and like a major breakup. (Though he says it only feels like a break.)

 

I guess I’m scared. I’m scared if I — and I already have— start feeling lonely then I might go and do some dumb things like in my old days. I know at the root of it is my two dads— one’s rejection of me and the other my rejection and disappointment of him. All tangled up and when I’m at my loneliest I try and search it out and fill that aching void. Which is unfillable, of course.

 

On a good note, I had a sweet sleepover at a girlfriend’s last night where we lamented over some of our group’s politics and then moved onto reminiscing over our crushes and the whys and wherefores of our certain types. She fed us really yummy homemade focaccia with olives and fiddleheads and rosemary and stir-fried kale. It was nice to huddle under clouds of comforters with a female friend (instead of a male stranger). Kind of peaceful and serene feeling. Maybe I’ll have to do it more often.

Girlfriends

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Ever since I started dating my boyfriend five months ago I have been ditching my girlfriends. I don’t call them or initiate contact. I don’t hang out with them much at all. I’m not interested in going to parties. I barely was interested before. However, I ran into a couple feminist girlfriends this weekend that reminded me how much I missed complaining about sexism with girlfriends. Having a great boyfriend is all well and fine, but nothing can replace the much-needed-occasional girlfriend-venting-sessions.

What I realized was I desperately wanted feminist girlfriends much more than girlfriends who don’t have a political context. Is that mean of me? That my time is precious to me—we live in New York City for god’s sakes, I can’t walk anywhere without feeling like I’d better hurry—and I want to be with other young women who have the same feminist and political awareness of oppressions as I do. If you are not a self-confident and aware feminist I’m not sure I have the patience for you right now. I feel bad that I don’t have patience. But I can’t peel off pieces of me for other people’s benefit like I used to. I’m just not willing to sacrifice my time, no matter how bad I may feel about it.

Girlfriend M.I.A.

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I haven’t been the best girlfriend to my girlfriends of late. Because of all the time I’ve been spending with the new BF, I’ve been spending much, much less time with my GFs. Part of me feels bad–OK, maybe not that bad. Last night my best friend from high school called and I still picked up the phone and listened to her vent for an hour about her creepy boss that’s sexually harassing her. So I haven’t completely abandoned them. However, when another girlfriend asked to hang out this weekend I declined. I was sure she asked me because her boyfriend wasn’t around. And I declined because mine was. Is that old-fashioned and un-feminist of me? I mean, I haven’t had a serious relationship in four years I think I’m allowed a little selfish time with my boyfriend during our honeymoon period.

 

Granted, it’s hard to say. How would I feel if one of my girlfriends suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, stopped calling me and stopped going out because she’d rather be holing up with her new man? I’d feel partly happy for her and the other half trying to distract myself from my own loneliness.

 

Which is why I reassured my girlfriend that flirting back with her creepy boss because she was lonely was not the worst crime ever committed. It’s completely understandable. Though I still would like to get her a nicer, younger guy for her to flirt with.

 

Trust me, relationships are not perfect. And just having a boyfriend does not solve all my life problems. If only. But then again, that would make me a woman with very small goals. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that is your goal. Sigh. You know what I mean.) But in the end I still would rather stay at home with my boyfriend, watching Desperate Housewives in his big t-shirt and eating Popeyes (which I will never do again as long as I live) then party at some chichi party on the 60th floor with skanks and drunks. Which I’m embarrassed to say is how I used to be. I mean, what else are you supposed to do when you’re single? Doesn’t everybody dress up sleazy and scout for hot guys? No?

 

So if you’re reading this and you’re a girlfriend of mine, please don’t take offense that I’ve been MIA. I promise to pick up the phone when you call and to really listen. Who knew it’d be so much work taking care of a new apartment, new boyfriend, new relationship AND one’s book on top of it all? Did I mention I want to start screenwriting again? So please bear with me if you can. And if I’m single next year at Halloween, I promise to go out again with you–as scantily clad as ever!