The sweet realization that one can be friends with one’s ex—really good friends—and the startling and confusing realization that sex is again more important to me as a single person.
So I think I’m feeling lot better about the breakup now than the first 10 days or so. At first I couldn’t stand seeing any other happy-looking Asian couples. I immediately had to avert my gaze, but not before looking with repulsion and hate, and probably jealousy. But mostly hate. Then I’m not quite sure what happened but I noticed last night it didn’t bother me nearly as much anymore. I suddenly could feel happy for them. Or at least look with the same amount of interest or neutrality as before.
I think one of my biggest fears after the breakup was of losing the (ex) BF completely. That breaking up would mean we wouldn’t talk more than a couple times a year, and then only awkwardly and stilted and not like old times at all, or we’d be sworn enemies and he’d hate me forever or for at least a couple years and I would feel guilty and bad and resentful that I felt guilty and bad. At least that’s what happened in the past I guess.
Also another interesting thing is the sudden—but not random— appearance of male friends who have sniffed out my singledom. I know it may seem like I publish all the details of my life on my blog but even I realize my friends don’t read every word of every post. So recently a male friend IM’d me saying: “I’m so sorry (sad face)” regarding my breakup then suddenly to: “I remember you seemed to really enjoy [us hooking up]. Call me anytime to hangout or talk or whatever.” Wow. The other thing that had not changed was his non-single status. He was with a girlfriend back then when we hooked up—actually they were living together—and he’s still with a girlfriend now. Just a different one. When I asked if they were in an open relationship he replied definitely not. Oh OK, I guess only he is then…
I admit I myself have suddenly felt like a kid in a candy store. Going out dancing couple nights ago with girlfriends and noticing all the very beautiful looking people, or men. The kind of ironic thing is, the ex and I had amazing sex the other night. It wasn’t planned, but I knew it was because I had so much space and time apart from him that I could finally want him and miss him enough that I really wanted him. Sex was always good together but it hadn’t been that fiery for quite some time. It was nice to see that it came back so quickly—well, 2 weeks and one breakup later.
Sometimes I wonder if I just want to sleep with other people because I haven’t been able to for 2 years. I’ve always wanted to do whatever it was that I wasn’t supposed to. I credit my rebelliousness streak to my parents. Whatever it was they really wanted from me—go teach ESL in Taiwan, get a real job, dress more like a girl—it made me want to do the opposite all the more. So when the ex-BF wanted sex from me, wanted to spend all his time with me, and when I subconsciously told myself—now you’re not single anymore you need to stop checking out people—I’m sure I subconsciously grew resentful as well.
Now the question is, am I simply not ready to “settle down” yet into a monogamous relationship or just that I need to have a great, serious, smooth relationship so then I wouldn’t be looking to sleep around elsewhere? I asked a girl friend today if you can maintain a high level of sexual chemistry and lusting and that high amount of sexual tension with your regular, long-term partner? …I think the jury’s still out on that one. But I can say for sure that next time I’ll be sure to not let him move in.