My top 5 rules for online dating:
1. Don’t chase.
2. Don’t give up your power.
3. Don’t drink.
4. Get out from behind the computer.
5. Don’t trust.
Recently I spoke with a girlfriend about how dating now is so different from let’s say 15 years ago. Dating is different, and online dating brings with it a whole new set of challenges and a whole ‘nother game unfortunately. But if you learn how to play it right, you might just beat ‘em at their own game.
Here are my top rules for online dating—for women:
1. Never Chase the Guy
You don’t want to be the one chasing the guy. If he likes you enough— and if he’s smart he’ll realize how awesome you are—he should be chasing you. Do not use the excuse, oh maybe he’s just shy and I should help him out— No. Do you want to date a guy who doesn’t even have enough confidence or guts to pursue someone he likes? We’re not in middle school anymore. If he can’t go for what he wants, then you don’t want him. At least, I don’t.
2. Never Give the Guy the Power
How do I explain this? You don’t want to be giving him the upper hand. Ever. Because once he sees that you are desperate or clingy or will always hang out with him, immediately, whenever he asks you to then he has all the power. I.e. you have none. It’s a bit strange for us women to think of dating in this harsh, power-dynamic way. But you must learn to see it this way because this is how most men see it. In my experience. If you meet a guy who doesn’t then great. But as I always say, dating is a numbers game and you will need to date 50 men to find one decent one. So those 49 will be doing all sorts of stupid, sneaky things that you will want to be on the defense on. It’s like playing basketball—have good defense. I’m not saying you need to play games with them. I am almost always honest when dating strangers. However, you need to remember they are strangers until you can be sure that they are trustworthy. And to show you they are trustworthy they need to prove it. Meanwhile you need to date with a protective bubble around you and take everything they say with a grain of salt. If it’s a compliment—be suspicious, if it’s an insult—walk away immediately. If they criticize you so early on in the relationship, what might they do later?
3. Meet For Tea or Coffee During the Day (Not a Dark Bar for Drinks at Night)
Wish I had taken this advice long ago. You will be more lucid, see more clearly (in more ways than one), and this way you can get out quickly if you need to. Do you really want to meet a male stranger who’s trying to get in your pants while under the influence of alcohol?
4. Don’t Waste A Lot of Time Messaging Back and Forth
This is one of the top mistakes that people make in online dating— women and men. You can never really assess someone until you meet them in person. I rely on my ability to always sense people’s energy, that is very important to me. Aura or not, you get so much more meeting in person (facial expressions, body language) than online. Lies can be kept much longer in an online relationship than IRL (in real life). Trust me.
5. Always Assume They Want to Sleep with You— For That Matter Always Assume It’s All Lies Until Proven True
Even if they say they’re just looking for friends first. Even if they say they really are single. Even if they don’t tell you about their kids. You really need to assume everything coming out of his mouth “could” be lies until they’re proven to be true. Of course, proven is subjective and debatable but photos, friends of friends, googling, facebook, it all helps. If he lied about his height, lied about his single status, lied about his kids— don’t be too shocked. Sure, we’re all surprised when this does happen to us (if you’re a woman, it’s happened to you) but what I’m saying is we really shouldn’t be. We shouldn’t be expecting the whole male race to be low, skeevy, liars either. But we should assume that finding a decent, truly honest person and someone who’s deserving of our friendship, and whom we have fun with is hard to find. Because they are.