I’ve had many comments from readers claiming that I “obviously” prefer white men. Over Asian men. Despite my many attempts to clarify myself the point doesn’t seem to be coming across so I thought a blog post was needed.
At One Time I Did Prefer White Men
When I was 12 I told my mother that I only intended on dating white boys. This coming from a girl who never ‘went out’ with anyone and never would until she was 17. She was shocked and asked why would I say such a thing. I can’t remember what I told her, but just remember thinking ‘Well, your first husband was Asian and horribly abusive—why are you surprised?’
All-White High School Suburbia
In high school there were all of 220 kids in my class. Less than 10 were Asian. Less than 5 were not fobby.* All three of us Asian girls had white best girl friends. The only Asian guy taller than me was mixed and vehemently denied he was Asian. I did not find Asian guys attractive at that point.
My First Hot Asian
This is all in my ebook: he was Nepalese, had long hair down his back, a beautiful shoulder tattoo and moved like the sexiest thing I had ever seen—graceful, yet macho. I didn’t even care that he was shorter than me. Yes it turned into a very complicated 6 years together. But he also taught me unconditional generosity, loyalty and caring.
I also even dated a Taiwanese in there somewhere. He’s now a cop in NYC and married. And of course the ex is Chinese. So all in all I would say I have dated a good number of Asians. Oh and there was the amazing Japanese American doctor in Hawaii whom I never heard from again but whom I had deliciously amazing sex with and had totally fallen for. I haven’t written about him much. Too painful probably. Or at least buried. So out of the number of serious relationships I’ve had a good number of them were Asian.
My Older White Male Thing
I’ve written before about how my whole older white guy thing started. I understand that it’s completely illogical and probably not the healthiest thing and based in some older need. I have a guess. My second dad is white and the only dad I claim. The first one just donated sperm and a fucked up childhood. So my best guess would be that it’s mixed unresolved issues of not having closeness with him, as well as my Chinese dad.
I Do Not Prefer White Guys to Asian Guys
I will say once more, I do not simply prefer you if you are white over an Asian guy. I love my Asian men. I love their small hips, their familiarity, I love that I do not have to explain certain things to them. When I do go out with an Asian guy I feel an immediate closeness and almost accountability that I don’t feel with non-Asians. I seem to feel near-guilt if I am casual or callous with them. Though now I am being open and clear about being casual I feel more OK with that.
And just because there’s an Asian guy I’m not going for doesn’t make me internalized racist. Maybe he’s a jerk. Maybe he’s selfish. Maybe he doesn’t even like Asian women.
It’s Easier to Judge All or Nothing
I really didn’t want this to be a defensive rant defending my love for my Asian brothers. I really hate being defensive. And I know seeing things black and white and 2-dimensional is a lot easier for folks than accepting the many sides of someone. It’s much easier to condemn than to understand.
It’s a Numbers Game
Also numbers-wise it’s simply more difficult to find potential Asian guys to date here in the US than say Taiwan. In which case the numbers would be very much reversed and I could presumably find much more potential cute Chinese suitors. You can’t just look at the numbers of non-Asians I’ve been with and say ‘see—she’s so racist.’
Awareness and Openness—Good
And even if I am being biased in one way or another with this or any other areas of my life, the first step to changing and improving is to be aware. The difference with me and the blog right now is that I am being extremely open about my awareness. That warrants appreciation, not judgment.
*Of or pertaining to FOBs, which stands for Fresh Off the Boat. Usually a pejorative term used to imply recent Asian immigrant just ‘stepped off a boat’ and landed here. Referring historically to refugees who had to flee by boat in the old days. I don’t think that’s true anymore. This is a derogatory term. ‘Fobby’ refers to Asians who do not seem Americanized, either by mannerism, speech or fashion. Often used by other Asians in a familiar joking fashion. Not recommended for non-Asians.
Question: Do you have a ‘type’? Or any other kind of preference? Does it serve you well?