Where I differentiate between loving sex and violent, dominant sex.
While we are on the topic of blow jobs I might as well talk a little more about deep throating. Not my favorite topic—and one I was relatively new to until recently—but an important topic certainly.
Deep throating is when the guy sticks his penis deep into (usually) a girl’s throat. (I like urban dictionary’s definition #4.) Makes me shiver just thinking about it. It is very common in porn. And as with a lot of perpetuated myths in porn it is seen as an extremely desired sex act and thus something women watch and try to imitate themselves. However, it is actually really about dominance and power than about truly being turned on.
At the recent Babeland ‘Art of the Blow Job’ workshop they talked about deep throating. They even explained some tips for how best to do it if you wanted to. (When you’re standing straight your throat is in a natural L shape. If you tilt your head back it makes your throat into a straight line and thus less likely to gag on it. You can do it lying down on a bed with your head hanging over the edge. Great.) They also explained that some women come into the shop asking for ‘numbing chemical sprays’ to specifically suppress our natural gag reflex and that they do not carry it nor recommend using it. It can be very dangerous to suppress our natural body’s function to protect oneself and extremely harmful. You can really hurt yourself if you turn off this natural self-protective reflex.
They also explained that since the head of the penis is the most sensitive part, then it really doesn’t make a big difference if you have the rest of the shaft in your mouth/throat as well. Which is why porn can be and is so dangerous for young men and women in spreading inaccurate and sexist messages that equates sex with domination and that to be truly manly and really sexual you must do these violent and dominant acts that really have nothing to do with love or connecting with the other person but about power and male domination.
Sex—whether it’s intercourse, blow jobs, etc—is not simply about pleasing the other person. Sex can be a beautiful way to connect between two people that’s fun, exhilarating and brings them even closer. It has nothing to do with violence or domination or power. Those messages are spread by the porn industry and by society to take advantage of people’s hurts and distress/behavioral patterns around closeness and feeling lonely to make money off of.
*Thanks also to the ex-BF for confirming and discussing this since my porn-watching experience is so limited.
Couple thoughts on the incorrect and casual use of the word ‘rape.’ And also why I feel the need to be so public about almost everything.
I had one of my mini-flashes of thought in the bathroom yesterday. Somehow I was thinking about my tendency to be public about most things. And talking with a friend about how I am overly honest or open about things. And then class last night about the whole idea of what’s considered private (for example, with being sexually molested it’s usually assumed that you’ll want to be private about it). It got me thinking. And on the toilet I had a flash of—no wonder I’ve always wanted to be public about everything because I felt my mom was never that open about her abusive marriage/ my crazy childhood. And I feel that that made it much worse. You can’t prevent fucked up things from happening, it’s true, but more important is how you handle the challenges in your life. Hindsight is 20/20 but I can’t help but feel if she could have got more help, got a family member to get me and my brother out of there, especially after she left for the States, it would have made a huge difference for me. It would have required speaking up about how terrible the abuse was and asking for help. Which I think is hard for most women. So, now no wonder I want to be extra open and public about most everything. Kind of to an extreme.
So I made a comment on a techcrunch article recently. About the guy’s over- and casual use of the word ‘rape.’ He wasn’t referring to being sexually assaulted, he was talking about being ripped off at the movies. He mentioned it a couple times. I thought about it at first and decided to comment (which I rarely do) especially because I liked everything else he said and thought he was being quite open-minded generally. So ignorance in this area really stood out. It turned out to gain a lot of discussion and ‘likes’ on my comment actually. Wrote a last comment reply to the guy itself after he commented late last night. And what do you know, last night I had a dream about? Rape! I wasn’t exactly being raped but what I remember is this white guy was trying to beat the shit out of me (don’t know why), I tried calling out to the ex but he wasn’t there, and the guy laughed at me. He kept trying to grab me and beat me up and I was backing up on the ground backwards. Ugh..
Note to self: Next time don’t discuss rape late at night when going to bed by yourself..
A couple days ago I found myself in the midst of a conversation with a few women about how horrific porn really is and bestiality. Bestiality, as I recently learned from the BF, is quite popular in porn. In this case, one woman mentioned that the women were being raped by dogs. I thought for a second. Did they consent to have sex with the dogs or were they actually raped? I asked. She replied, barely looking up, that it didn’t really matter, but probably not. Another woman joked about the difficulty of obtaining consent from a dog.
Sure, most of us would never concede to doing such a thing. Porn to most of us women is another world apart. However, there are lots of women who do sign on to doing it. And we don’t get to morally judge them. We’re not better for making different choices. However, if a woman does sign on to do porn, and then is forced in the middle of it to fuck a dog, that is rape. Just because we may think her choice is morally depraved does not mean she deserves to be raped. We don’t get to judge other women’s choices for choosing to fuck animals for money. At the same time, women who choose to have sex for money deserve to be protected from unwanted sex.
In this case, I don’t think she was implying that they deserve to be raped. I know that’s not what she meant. Sure, bestiality is abominable, but some do choose to do it. For those who don’t and are forced, that is truly abominable.
I have been reading The Good Women of China by Xinran and it’s been a real mind-blowing experience. On the one hand the true accounts of women’s hardships in their lives brings my own struggles into perspective and I feel terrifyingly grateful to not have lived during those times—during and post-Cultural Revolution in China. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like we really have not come all that far and girls and women still have to deal with just as much sexism now (just different kinds, but no less) and we still have our patterns of caretaking and lack of self-worth to contend with. We are not sold out by our own siblings to be raped by Red Guards or forced into an arranged marriage at age eleven with a sixty year-old man. But child sex trafficking still exists as one of the top three money-making industries (after drugs and weapons) and most certainly still exists in this country and girls still struggle with breaking up with abusers, not having the ability to do what one wants until after you move out of the house, and even “Facebook branding” (where girls post sexual photos of themselves akin to American Apparel ads on Facebook to create a “cool” or “sexy” image of themselves to their peers).
Honestly, I still don’t know what to say after reading this book. I’m still shell-shocked and trying to process all of my roller coaster emotions. I finally finished the book last night. It ended with a story where the women lived in the complete desert in northwestern China in caves. The women’s crotches and inner thighs were rubbed raw from using leaves in their pants during their periods (they only had ten leaves for the whole year since they had to be gathered from far away), forcing them to walk swinging their legs around to the side. They had no inheritance or property rights. They were even shared among multiple men, and were only seen as useful in bearing children and their labor which they continued doing all through their pregnancy. Sometimes they were pregnant 3 times in 2 years. All they had to eat was thin gruel daily (only when they were pregnant with a boy did they get egg with sugar and water) and did not have enough clothes for the children so the few they had were given to the boys and the girls took turns wearing the one outfit. They would stay home and sit on the kang (bed) sewing, etc and talk about what they had seen when they got to wear clothes out. Xinran, the journalist/radio broadcaster said in all her ten years of working on her radio show of women’s stories these women were the only ones who actually said they were happy.
To be continued…