Where I talk about how our addictions blind us from our real feelings and can sometimes get us into trouble… and wanting, wanting, and wanting more.
Couple days at the beach this weekend has left me browner and with some take-home lessons from an experienced and caring girlfriend. She warned me against my temptations to call up my old friends-with-benefits (FWB’s). I didn’t even tell her about my surfing OKCupid profiles. (I’ve been contemplating this morning to either take down my profile or at least delete my photo.)
And what is up with the black smoke that has been coming out across the street for days…??
Anyways, she was reminding me that whatever happiness I was searching for back then I didn’t find there either. I wasn’t happy bopping around with different guys however much I may fantasize about it now. Sigh. It reminded me of how my ex described me when we first met. He said I just seemed so exhausted and was so fed up with sexism. I think being lonely or feeling lonely even when we’re not actually alone in the world (“No one is actually alone unless they’ve been on a deserted island for >6 months”) can get us in a lot of trouble. At least it’s gotten me into situations in the past that cumulatively, as my girlfriend calls it, “ruins my chi” (or energy). Sigh.
I keep thinking about these two phrases:
‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’ AND
‘Addictions are something that we know is bad for us every time we do it.’
Does that make addictions crazy? Or our addictions are the place where we’re kinda crazy? At least, irrational, yes.
What is up with women having sex with men even when they don’t like it or even worse, are in pain? Speaking for myself, I’ve certainly done it in the past when I didn’t really want it to happen at that moment. I let it keep going. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Of all the guys I’ve slept with I’d probably guesstimate that I didn’t totally enjoy about 70% of them. Wasn’t in love with 90% of them. Didn’t come with 98% of them. There were various reasons why I did it over the years:
They had something that I wanted to share (like a motorcycle, a big boat, a house in Hawai`i).
It was exciting and felt really good.
They were hot.
I was lonely and it was late.
It felt good to be wanted—if only for my body.
It felt good to be taken care of.
I could stave away the feeling of being rejected and unwanted at least for another night.
Essentially to avoid feeling my feelings, which is what addictions are. (Start feeling something you don’t want to—oh, immediately reach for a cigarette or sugar). At the same time I don’t want to feel bad or guilty for still having whatever remaining distresses/addictions that I do have. I have improved on so many of them, and considering my past and my childhood, I am doing so well. (Chimney smoke has stopped!)
So back to my title: Little Chinese Girls Want Things Too. I didn’t get to want— anything—when I was little. I just had to be really careful and thoughtful of other people. I was worried about my mom and felt so bad that I couldn’t protect her. I was trying to be good all the time. As if that would help or change my dad’s behavior, but hey I was like 2 or 3. So in this new transition in my life I want to think again about what I want in my life:
I want to be really buff and strong.
I want to be on the water—surfing, SUPing whatever—for half the year, at least.
I want to keep working on these old loneliness feelings until I’ve purged them completely.
I want to travel and write and travel.
I want to stick with my girlfriends.
I want to have a steady partner who I love being with, have fun and laugh a lot with, and treats me really well and appreciates me everyday.
I want to not feel bad about anything anymore.